Wednesday March 6 2013

Im up early. Did my ritual, showered and left for work. I got to the office very early, never been this early in a long time. For some reason I have been playing the song 'Titanium' by David Guetta ft Sia over and over today. I went to Radisson Blu Hotel to meet my boss for some stuff he needs me to do. Hunger is already working hard in my belly. I called him as soon as I reached the hotel and he said he will get back to me in a few minutes. Its so charming and assuring the way he said it but my ear tingled with disapproval. I know that expression very well. Its means wait for me for God-knows-how -long and I dont have such luxury of time. I have alot I wanna do.

I waited for roughly one hour and sent him a text that I was leaving. He said ok. Then he said I should come. A third text message came saying I can go. What manner of confusion is this?? Ok Im on my way back to the office. I went straight to The Place instead, I gotta eat mehn! Ifeanyi was in the office when I got back. Chris isnt back from Apapa yet, he went to collect the bill of laden for the car he shipped in. Shit, he's looking for money badly to clear the car. I feel for him. I sacrificed the food to gods of my stomach which they accepted whole heartedly. We didnt do much. Another day to deal with power issue in the office. Ugo came back with some refreshments from the SEC meeting. We helped ourselves.

I got home to a horrible sight. The lifestyle of the couple squatting with extended their notoriety to the extent of causing cockroach infestation in my room. Should I still call it ''my room'' cuz it now lacks traces of my pampered care. You hardly see a single cockroach before their arrival. Now we share every inch of the room with roaches. So when I entered the room, I saw uncountable number of dead bodies. Dead bodies of cockroaches I mean. Some are not dead yet, they still locked in spiritual battle with death. It was a serious roach massacre. You can call it roach genocide. I guess Ibe sprayed a massive amount of insecticide in the room. You can barely breathe in here.

I just took my bath and sat to one corner with less roach carcass. I ain’t touching anything. They will clear the mess by themselves, its so annoying. About ten minutes later Ibe walked in. He asked when I came in, I told him. Then he asked me, ''You saw the room like this when you came in?'' My mind retorted in a flash ''No I didnt see the room like this when I came in. The room was spick and span then I grabbed million dead bodies from the roach morgue and splashed it all over the room'' The question didnt make any sense to me. That's a horrible attempt at starting a conversation if that was his aim. The sight of him sweeping the carcasses was the oddest thing I’ve ever seen, he never lifts a finger to clean the room before. I just focused on my communion with my laptop only moving occasionally to give for him. Sleep came in due time and I heed the call.

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Tuesday March 5 2013

I didnt wake up on time. I stayed awake from 3 till 5 when I drifted off again and woke up around 8. My boss wont be coming to the office today, has an avalanche of long meetings to attend mostly SEC related. He asked me to pick up our office internet modem from his house. By the time I got to his house, no one was home.

I couldnt get online in the office almost althrough the day. I designed some charts for Chris on PowerPoint, that was the major thing I did today. I went to house around three when one of his domestic staff came home to collect the modem. I closed early. I went straight home.

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Monday March 4 2013

I woke up on Cherrie's bed. Yes you heard me. More like I woke up on Cherrie's bossom. What happened?! I went there like a lion and came out like a kitten. This thing called heart is a complicated sophisticated unpredictable incredible organ that pumps blood and emotions. Effective communications is essential for any healthy relationship. I went home showered and left for work. I neither read my devotional nor prayed.

Today's work was just going from one office to another, one bank to another, one shopping center to another, etc. I hardly stayed in the office. Also my boss hired a new driver, today was his first day on the job. He was chauffering me about. We went to Jubaili Bros to drop a cheque. He parked outside and I went inside. Earlier he complained that his phone is dead and needs some juice to power on. By the time I was attended to, after all the procedural bottle necks, I came out and he was nowhere to be found. Is this a joke? If it is, it sure ain’t funny at all.

Now my mind is getting crazy creative with possible scenarios. Did he runaway with the car? No he didnt. I let him buy fuel on his own unaccompanied. If that was his plan he coulda done it then. Maybe he went back to the office. My mind was churning out questions, possibilities, scenarios, etc at the speed that will make light jealous. I check all the car park but there was no trace of him. I have to let my boss know, so I did. I went on to finish my task on my own now. I got back to the office still no sign of him. My main concern was my lunch. I left it in the car that has gone technically missing. Im so hungry. Dont blame me.

He later called my boss and myself. I answered both calls and told him to come straight to the office. What happened was that the security at the premises asked him to park in certain area unknown to me. He has been there waiting for me to come out. His phone was dead, I couldnt reach him. He called from a call center eventually. He came back to the office, I ate my food and left office. I didnt go to school again. I went straight home. I still haven’t written letter, what the hell is wrong with me?

Got home in anticipation of seeing Cherrie one last time before she leaves. She has changed her travel date three times now, I wonder. Ibe left the house a few minutes after I came in. Its as if they leave the house for me  once I enter during the day. What gives? I called Cherrie, she said she is on her way but feels tired. She came by after a long while. She came with an act. A very poor acting on her part if you ask me. She said she is so tired and she is feeling sleepy. I didnt say anything I just ignored everything like it was nothing. We went back to her place and the person pretending to be falling asleep at my place didn’t sleep again. I went back home. Truth is Im glad she is leaving. I slept afterwards.

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Dear Diary: Sunday March 3 2013

Im up like 3:43am. I lazed about on the bed till morning. Ibe left early in the morning to God-knows-where. I started writing my appeal letter to my school coordinator. I planned going to MBA school Yaba to get a sample of correct format of addressing the letter, I dint want to call anybody. I dressed up much later and left for church.

I got to the church and decided to polish my shoe with the abokis near the church premises. But it took a helluva time for him to finish. Dont know if he was making a new shoe for me from the scratch. I asked him to apply gum to the flaking part of the sole, I guess he applied gum all over the sole. My body had to wait patiently outside while my mind worshipped inside via the church speaker blaring outside. The long wait eventually ended.

Today's service was both anointing and thanks giving service. It was wonderful. I left for Yaba. The heat is scary. No trace of the rain that fell last nite anywhere. I got what I went for at Yaba. I bought sports shorts from Yaba and left Yaba. Next port of call was Shoprite. I wanted to buy my favourite seafood paella rice. It wasnt ready so my man on the inside said I should wait like twenty minutes. So I strolled towards the window of Gems shop in The Palms. In all the times I've been to The Palms, never bothered to look at the price tags of the jewelries on display. I checked the earrings and saw 9900 and I thought it was 99000. Then I was like N9900 is a fair price for those earrings. Then I saw it. I saw the currency sign $! The pair of earrings is freaking $9900!!

I really hate with destructive passion when price of items in Nigeria are dominated in a foreign currency. If Im the law, I would've outlawed it with a scary stiff penalty for defaulters. Ok now its more than twenty minutes, let me go check my food mehn and get the hell outta here. I figured my idle suspicious presence out the window of the gem shop aroused the curiosity of their security. I laugh!! I went back to Shoprite waited a little while and my order was served by my guy, I paid and left. Ceaser called me to remind me about our Sunday evening football game, I told him I wanst sure I'll make it. I ate the at our office and went home with the state of mind of going to play ball. I called Ceaser and he has changed about the game, he is taking a nap instead.

I rested a few minutes. Then I soaked some clothes to wash. Immediately I finished soaking the clothes PHCN took light. I wasn’t about to be discouraged by that you know. I lit up my spare phone and used the light like a hunter tied to my head. After washing I showered and went to Cherrie's place to tell her the good news that she is no longer needed in my life. I was fuming a little. She wasnt around, I waited till she came and the rest was an awkward history. I tried to project calm and nice me regardless of the exact opposite feelings suffocate me within. She took a nutty picture of me yesterday before she humongous annoyance she made me feel. Though I wouldnt want her to have such pix even if she didnt piss me off.

I asked her to delete not that I couldnt have deleted it myself. I just wanted her to respect my wishes and do it herself. So I asked her nicely while holding her phone if she has deleted it? And she flipped. It was so unbelievable to me. She struggled for her phone with me, I eventually let her have it. Then she goes ''If not deleting the picture will cause quarrel that she wont delete it. If its the only reason I came to see her she wont delete it'' For the first time I saw a very stubborn obstinate vixen, and it saddened me greatly. Was I stupid for believing she will reason with me and delete it? I coulda deleted it quietly when I took her phone without letting her but still I asked if she had removed it. She was like ''Its her phone she can do whatever the hell she damn well pleases with it'' I said you forget its my picture. I thought for a moment and decided to let her have her way. I told her Im leaving and she can do whatever she wants with the picture I dont give a damn anymore.

I stood up to leave and she barricaded the doorway. Thank God Im not hot tempered otherwise I woulda smacked her outta my way like pesky fly. Suddenly she wants to dialogue. Seriously?! That mad stubborn obstinate vixen has made a royal way for a loyal lamb. She asked for five minutes, I later agreed to five minutes only. When the proverbial five minutes prolonged indefinitely, I didnt know. She said alot things. Some of them were true. Some made sense to me, some didnt. Some touched me deeply and made me feel guilty.

Our problem was deeply rooted in miscommunication. Then she started crying. Tears, provided they are not crocodile tears when shed for the right reason always leaves me unimaginably weak. I had to cuddle her and talk to her. Apologies. Apologies. It flew back and forth. Now she's asking me to stay the night. Look at me, looking at turnout of events. I didnt tell her its over like I planned but through out talks we have accepted it calmly. She will travel to east to school of course. To cut the long story short I slept there. Yeah there was a lota smooching but no sex. Man proposes, God laughs and disposes. Who woulda thought it will end like this.

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Dear Diary: Saturday March 2 2013

I jogged this morning, it’s been a long while. Contrary to my fears I didnt get tired easily but I took it easy. I read my devotional after I showered. I relaxed a bit then went over to Ceaser's. There I had my breakfast which was yam and egg. We played drought and he beat me three times. He has been practicing with some bad players like he's going for a competition. The result was expected. Its so hot inside and equally hot outside. There's breeze outside but it blows mostly hot air. I came back home and slept real good. Mehn it was so energizing. Thank God for sleep. I woke up in the evening. Ibe and his wife went out to God-knows-where.

I called Cherrie to come around. She came much later. We talked about this and that. Then she started with her whining, complaining, too much attention seeking attitude. Going on and on about her observation and the mountain she expected from me and how she is getting a tree stump like she is perfect without flaws. She has flaws, I dont dwell on it. I have observed she keeps malice and is vengeful. She didnt meet my expectation too. She ended up annoying me to the roots of my being. Scopium has had enough. I have had enough. Me, myself and I have had enough. This bad rubbish is getting a good riddance from me for good. In the middle of the arguments she stormed to the door that she is leaving, I didnt bother stopping her and she was like ''so you are letting me go?'' In my mind I was like ''you freaking think I'm gonna beg you? Not today girl'' I've really had it with you.

I have never met a personality like hers before, frankly I dont need such unnecessary difficulty. Later she said she was leaving. This time she announced it unlike storming to the door, I said okay. It was a few minutes after nine, I didnt see her off. Im closing this chapter, woe betide who dares open it. Ibe and his wife came back a few minutes later just before the rain started to fall. The rain was on my side cuz it washed away any trace of her in my life.

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Dear Diary: Friday March 1 2013

Its a new month! Welcome everybody, what's shaking? Lets march on to success in this month of March. I neither read my devotional nor prayed today. I misused my time in the morning. I couldn’t make headway in the letter I wanted to write this morning when I woke up so I decided to watch something to clear my head. I chose Bleach anime to watch. I got carried away somewhere along the line.

I got to work on time. But there was no light. The generator was bad and PHCN was out of commission. The day dragged by slowly and painfully. I ran a few errands to the banks to make payments and also pay into my account. Also I went to Etisalat shop at The Palms to configure my boss' new ipad and back to the office. I slept to my heart content in the office. I was the only human around. It was a few minutes after three that the generator roared into life like a nightmare monster.

Ok my boss asked me to download a couple of songs unfortunately we've ran out of internet bandwidth. He called someone he knew from our ISP to give us internet connection while payment will be made later. This method is like a routine and it works like a charm cuz we always pay, we never default no matter what! I downloaded his songs as well as mine. They took the light just when one of my downloads reach 99%, that’s mean. My boss brought champagne to the office when he came but somehow we forgot all about popping it. It survived today to be popped another day. I left office almost straight to Cherrie's house but she wasnt around. I went home eventually. Mimi served me small food as I told her. I watched a few more episodes of bleach and then zzzzz.

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What To Do When The Help You Gave Is Giving You Hell?

I wish this was a fiction but it isn’t. I can’t vividly put everything on paper, I’ll try to make it short. I’m a single Nigerian man trying to make a decent living in the hustle and hustle chaos of Lagos like most people. I stay alone in a room self-contained apartment somewhere in the Lekki corridor. Those who know Lekki can agree with me it’s plagued with unreasonably astronomical rent. One day out of the blue my childhood friend called. He is in Lagos with the family somewhere around Ikotun. I promptly cleared my calendar and paid them a visit.

A week or few days later he told me they will be traveling back to the east on the next Saturday. But since their engagement was in Victoria Island and it demands they be in the office as early as possible on Friday, they requested to stay with me which instantly accepted without giving it a thought. Of course I dint have to. I 'm not married and live alone. I was simply lending a helping hand to a friend. So the simple plan was to come to my place on Tuesday, do their thing in V/I on Friday and then travel back to the east on Saturday. Roughly 5 DAYS stay. Very simple you would say. The month was March. To be precise, it was MARCH 2012. The shocker is that they are still in my place. And this is MARCH 2013! A 5 days stay turned to a 365 days stay yet, the end is not in sight!

Imagine Mr. IN, Mrs. AN and two little niggling kids (girls) living with a single Nigerian man like me in one room. That’s 5 people in one room. The last girl still wears pampers. The wife took the kid back to east sometime in February this year. The main issue is that their lifestyle is polar opposite of mine. I’m the kinda person that can give you a clear precise direction from another galaxy in space on where to get a needle from any corner in my room. In other words I’m very organized. I'm very neat and clean. These people are they exact opposite. It annoys me when things are scattered and untidy. I cook as a bonus. Single Nigerian ladies take note.

That's not my room but you get the picture

They turned the room upside down. They “junglefied” the room effortlessly. In one month the room has seriously aged more than it did in my 3 years stay in it. They damage and litter everywhere and by default blame the kids who can’t defend themselves, most times the kids are not the culprit. I kept fixing things, they will never fix a pin. They will pile the trash up like a messy miniature Egyptian pyramid. At a point I had to wash every inch of the walls by myself in their presence. They should try a healthy lifestyle for the sake of their kids at least.

The guy can’t even wash his handkerchief unless the wife washes them. The moment they open their eyes in the morning, they make a fast bee line to the TV, both papa and mama and even the kids. I know family entertainment is very good for family bonding but does it warrant watching TV with the kids till 2:00am sometimes? I’m like what are you teaching these kids? I advised them over and over to have a timetable for the kids, latest by 9:00pm the kids should be in bed. It fell on deaf stone ears. All I hear is; “the kids don’t sleep on time.” I’m like how can they sleep when you have initiated their body system into your wake keeping style television watching habit from dusk to dawn.


I'm not a relationship guide expert but it's glaring that they need a little relationship guide. They quarreled and fought like crazy initially over really retarded reasons often orchestrated by the guy. At first I try to separate them but they are dedicated to the violence so I stopped bothering myself. Una go tire na. Whenever they go WrestleMania I just shield the kids from their parents menace. They pack a lot of nasty dirty habits that really irritate, disgust and annoy me. They are filth-friendly. It's as if a healthy lifestyle is unappealing to them. I just ignored and endured all this. I think they need marriage advice. You can say by association with them I'm not a single Nigerian man any more.

I have seen many moons, I’m yet to see a mind that works in a warped fashion as Ibe’s. He can attach a simple act of placing a pencil on the table to the events of cold war era of 1947 and further to a future colder war. He is one helluva paranoid, delusional, complex stricken homo sapien.

He is legendary with skill of reading a person’s mind, motive, thoughts, body language you name it, no problem with that. But he is a total failure at the results he gets from his readings. The worst part is how strongly he will believe he is right based on his highly delusional postulation. It’s mesmerizingly amazing. It used to disturb me when he makes these psycho assumptions but now it just amuses me like a good cartoon. Like Gaara told Naruto in the anime; “Uzumaki Naruto, you are really good at amusing me!”

He’s richly endowed with a brittle mouth that is always so hasty to spew some irrational things. At slightest tiff with his wife he will layer very unfathomable deep curses on his wife and he expects to prosper after cursing himself, since he is now one with his wife. I wonder what actually goes on in his heart. The bible clarifies it in Luke 6:45 which says;

"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh."

In all honestly, when his demons are heavily sedated, he can exhibit a good nature. He thinks or cares about others, he's willing to share whatever he has, he can try to motivate you, etc. Still he is a jerk. His jerk part casts a very extensive nasty shadow. Somebody who knew him well from the village said he can really be a humongous jerk. I didn’t know all this side of him.

Now the wife is a hardworking woman. She doesn’t always agree with all her husband’s actions and utterances. She has her own excess baggage too. The most friction we experience is generated by him.

One thing I have always been very genuinely and deeply grateful to this couple for is food. As a single guy I can assure you cooking can be stressful most times, that has been lifted off my shoulder and they combining resources can whip up something when you least expect it. But I’m finicky with food so I don’t always enjoy or eat what is cooked. It may not be the best healthy foods but I'm always grateful and appreciate the gesture. I buy foodstuffs and drop money occasionally especially when they ask me for it.

I’m not saying I’m a perfect being. I’m not. I give people benefit of the doubt till there's no more doubt left to give. Please I beg you for my sake disregard the saying; "Show me your friend and I'll tell you who you are." That saying is seriously flawed in this situation. I'm nothing like this guy and will never be!

I often ask God why He is putting me through this trial. But I know God’s purpose will make me triumph at the end of the trials and tribulation. I did what I did because it’s the heart and kind of person God made me. I’m not doing it so that this guy will reward me. God will reward me. If he decides appreciate what I did, that’s a bonus. If he doesn’t, I won’t hold it against him. But history and posterity will bear witness to my deed.

I'm a single Nigerian man but I live the life of a married man. My privacy is dead and rotten. My friends don’t visit me anymore. Shame severely shrinks my self-esteem anytime a select few attempt to visit me because of the new signature of my room, signature of grime rebranded aesthetic. My girl then said over her dead body will she visit me provided they still stay with me all thanks to his jerk behaviour. That was how that relationship died a natural death somehow. She even told me like a prophetess; "Mark my words the help you are giving will end in a fall-out. It usually does and the people will never remember the sacrifice you made to shelter them." How naive I was, I didn't believe a word she said. What have I not seen from them?

In his delusion, this guy had the effrontery to accuse me of having an affair with his wife. Saying I find it very insulting is an unforgiveable understatement. If he strongly feels that way why does he still pollute the peace of my place with his presence?

Trouble ballooned when I started frowning at or addressing their excesses. For nine months I let them have a field day. On December ending of 2012 I asked them to find a place that I cannot ignore and endure anymore and to my greatest surprise, the guy confronted me on that. He challenged me as if I’m breaching the agreement we had to live together.

Telling me “….so you want to kick us out? Me and my family will wait for you and the police or army you will call to kick us out”

I took it calmly like my usual self. I can really be calm on the surface but tsunami underneath. All I said to him was “…this is why people don’t do good deeds.” I initially gave them till end of January to leave and the guy threw tantrum again. Later he apologized for the tantrum that he was being a jerk. They said they are looking for an accommodation but it doesn’t look it to me. The man bragged that money ain’t a problem, matter fact they’ll leave before January ending. Two after those were said, they are still at my place. I don’t mock their situation, I pray for them. I don’t hate them but I deeply and unapologetically hate their lifestyle. The should get a lifestyle facelift. I’m just watching, not talking anymore. Their lifestyle can impact negatively on a weak minded single man to decide not marry again if this is what marriage will be like.

My uncle once said something that shocked me because of how true his words of wisdom were. This was before they even came. He said; ”People of our family love to help people but we do it to a point that it really hurts us and we keep doing it.” When I reflect on that comment I shudder. Every and anybody I tell this just wants me to kick them out by fire by force except two people. I don’t know why I’m still holding back hoping somehow a happy ending will emerge.

In your opinion, if you were me what would you do?

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