Why Do Some People Go To Church To Distrub?

Sunday April 28 2013
The night sleep was highly refreshing, I almost over did it. Having a full eight hours sleep has its mental health benefits. I woke up around ten minutes to seven. Man how sleepy I still feel. I need more sleep lol. I hurried lazily out of bed. As I was about to shower I felt a bit pressed to take a dump. What?! At this time?! For me taking a dump is like yoga. If you know the benefits of yoga, that is benefits of me taking a dump. I take my sweet time to do the service. I don’t have time for this now. Let’s keep it safety deposit box, more like fixed deposit account till I get back from church! I prepared for church. Long story short, I went late by a minute I believe.

We had the class. I enjoyed the Open Heavens as was taken by a fellow trainee worker though she has been long in that sorta service. After that service commenced as usual. Praise and worship took place.

As the choir was ministering through one lovely song, my neighbour came in accompanied with his girlfriend and settled beside me. I never expected what happened. This guy and his girlfriend were total nuisance in the church especially to me. They kept talking and talking like they were lounging by the bar. It was a non-stop session of talking, snickering, laughing and they didn't bother to keep their voice down. When we stand up to pray, they'll be sitting down completely devoted to their disturbance and nuisance in church.

I always ask myself why do people like this who cause nothing but nuisance in church bother to come to church anyway. What do they come to accomplish since they are not interested in the service? Is it to show there face and fashion? It is so annoying. They were agents of the devil period. They came just to distract people but it won’t work on me. Father forgive them for they know not what they do. I''m sure they do know this time. After service I went home. This guy has really made a horrible impression, his new reputation that of an unapologetic nuisance in church.

Bored. Hungry. Alone. I drank garri. Back in church I had this yearning urge to drink garri with salt that possessed me. I haven’t drank garri in ages but that was my expensive staple back in secondary school days. The benefits of having garri back then was immeasurable but students always abused drinking of garri. I drank the garri and felt so deeply satisfied. I simply obeyed my urge. I don't know how nourishing it was, my innards can explain that better. I holed myself indoors. I used that opportunity to wash my bathroom, left to Ibe, the place can look like a sewer and he will be perfectly comfortable with it. Not that I expect him to wash it, that’s like a pig to neaten up like a cat. His has his strength in some other department. 

One of my neighbours Egana called me, she is very cheerful always smiling good-looking girl. Her smile is contagious, too contagious for a single Nigerian man like me lol. She came to spend some time with me. I’m glad she came. Again thats a nice temptation for a single Nigerian man like me. I was pleasantly surprised too. We spent quite some time, talked at length, we learnt so much about each other. She left sometime in the evening. As she left I got on autopilot went to Igbo Efon to see Caesar. A few minutes after I arrived at his place, his babe served us a delicious healthy meal. You'll think I timed it but it was just my luck. UC a mutual friend of ours came over too.

We talked and talked, no actually Caesar talked and talked and....but not like the nuisance in church fellow. Mehn this guy never gets tired of talking. I admire him cuz he reads wide so he makes incredible sense when he talks but I don't always agree with everything he says. My eyes started going numb slightly. I had to leave. I went home and hit the sack head on. I don't know when Ibe came in the night.

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What To Do When The Help You Gave Is Giving You Hell?

I wish this was a fiction but it isn’t. I can’t vividly put everything on paper, I’ll try to make it short. I’m a single Nigerian man trying to make a decent living in the hustle and hustle chaos of Lagos like most people. I stay alone in a room self-contained apartment somewhere in the Lekki corridor. Those who know Lekki can agree with me it’s plagued with unreasonably astronomical rent. One day out of the blue my childhood friend called. He is in Lagos with the family somewhere around Ikotun. I promptly cleared my calendar and paid them a visit.

A week or few days later he told me they will be traveling back to the east on the next Saturday. But since their engagement was in Victoria Island and it demands they be in the office as early as possible on Friday, they requested to stay with me which instantly accepted without giving it a thought. Of course I dint have to. I 'm not married and live alone. I was simply lending a helping hand to a friend. So the simple plan was to come to my place on Tuesday, do their thing in V/I on Friday and then travel back to the east on Saturday. Roughly 5 DAYS stay. Very simple you would say. The month was March. To be precise, it was MARCH 2012. The shocker is that they are still in my place. And this is MARCH 2013! A 5 days stay turned to a 365 days stay yet, the end is not in sight!

Imagine Mr. IN, Mrs. AN and two little niggling kids (girls) living with a single Nigerian man like me in one room. That’s 5 people in one room. The last girl still wears pampers. The wife took the kid back to east sometime in February this year. The main issue is that their lifestyle is polar opposite of mine. I’m the kinda person that can give you a clear precise direction from another galaxy in space on where to get a needle from any corner in my room. In other words I’m very organized. I'm very neat and clean. These people are they exact opposite. It annoys me when things are scattered and untidy. I cook as a bonus. Single Nigerian ladies take note.

That's not my room but you get the picture

They turned the room upside down. They “junglefied” the room effortlessly. In one month the room has seriously aged more than it did in my 3 years stay in it. They damage and litter everywhere and by default blame the kids who can’t defend themselves, most times the kids are not the culprit. I kept fixing things, they will never fix a pin. They will pile the trash up like a messy miniature Egyptian pyramid. At a point I had to wash every inch of the walls by myself in their presence. They should try a healthy lifestyle for the sake of their kids at least.

The guy can’t even wash his handkerchief unless the wife washes them. The moment they open their eyes in the morning, they make a fast bee line to the TV, both papa and mama and even the kids. I know family entertainment is very good for family bonding but does it warrant watching TV with the kids till 2:00am sometimes? I’m like what are you teaching these kids? I advised them over and over to have a timetable for the kids, latest by 9:00pm the kids should be in bed. It fell on deaf stone ears. All I hear is; “the kids don’t sleep on time.” I’m like how can they sleep when you have initiated their body system into your wake keeping style television watching habit from dusk to dawn.


I'm not a relationship guide expert but it's glaring that they need a little relationship guide. They quarreled and fought like crazy initially over really retarded reasons often orchestrated by the guy. At first I try to separate them but they are dedicated to the violence so I stopped bothering myself. Una go tire na. Whenever they go WrestleMania I just shield the kids from their parents menace. They pack a lot of nasty dirty habits that really irritate, disgust and annoy me. They are filth-friendly. It's as if a healthy lifestyle is unappealing to them. I just ignored and endured all this. I think they need marriage advice. You can say by association with them I'm not a single Nigerian man any more.

I have seen many moons, I’m yet to see a mind that works in a warped fashion as Ibe’s. He can attach a simple act of placing a pencil on the table to the events of cold war era of 1947 and further to a future colder war. He is one helluva paranoid, delusional, complex stricken homo sapien.

He is legendary with skill of reading a person’s mind, motive, thoughts, body language you name it, no problem with that. But he is a total failure at the results he gets from his readings. The worst part is how strongly he will believe he is right based on his highly delusional postulation. It’s mesmerizingly amazing. It used to disturb me when he makes these psycho assumptions but now it just amuses me like a good cartoon. Like Gaara told Naruto in the anime; “Uzumaki Naruto, you are really good at amusing me!”

He’s richly endowed with a brittle mouth that is always so hasty to spew some irrational things. At slightest tiff with his wife he will layer very unfathomable deep curses on his wife and he expects to prosper after cursing himself, since he is now one with his wife. I wonder what actually goes on in his heart. The bible clarifies it in Luke 6:45 which says;

"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh."

In all honestly, when his demons are heavily sedated, he can exhibit a good nature. He thinks or cares about others, he's willing to share whatever he has, he can try to motivate you, etc. Still he is a jerk. His jerk part casts a very extensive nasty shadow. Somebody who knew him well from the village said he can really be a humongous jerk. I didn’t know all this side of him.

Now the wife is a hardworking woman. She doesn’t always agree with all her husband’s actions and utterances. She has her own excess baggage too. The most friction we experience is generated by him.

One thing I have always been very genuinely and deeply grateful to this couple for is food. As a single guy I can assure you cooking can be stressful most times, that has been lifted off my shoulder and they combining resources can whip up something when you least expect it. But I’m finicky with food so I don’t always enjoy or eat what is cooked. It may not be the best healthy foods but I'm always grateful and appreciate the gesture. I buy foodstuffs and drop money occasionally especially when they ask me for it.

I’m not saying I’m a perfect being. I’m not. I give people benefit of the doubt till there's no more doubt left to give. Please I beg you for my sake disregard the saying; "Show me your friend and I'll tell you who you are." That saying is seriously flawed in this situation. I'm nothing like this guy and will never be!

I often ask God why He is putting me through this trial. But I know God’s purpose will make me triumph at the end of the trials and tribulation. I did what I did because it’s the heart and kind of person God made me. I’m not doing it so that this guy will reward me. God will reward me. If he decides appreciate what I did, that’s a bonus. If he doesn’t, I won’t hold it against him. But history and posterity will bear witness to my deed.

I'm a single Nigerian man but I live the life of a married man. My privacy is dead and rotten. My friends don’t visit me anymore. Shame severely shrinks my self-esteem anytime a select few attempt to visit me because of the new signature of my room, signature of grime rebranded aesthetic. My girl then said over her dead body will she visit me provided they still stay with me all thanks to his jerk behaviour. That was how that relationship died a natural death somehow. She even told me like a prophetess; "Mark my words the help you are giving will end in a fall-out. It usually does and the people will never remember the sacrifice you made to shelter them." How naive I was, I didn't believe a word she said. What have I not seen from them?

In his delusion, this guy had the effrontery to accuse me of having an affair with his wife. Saying I find it very insulting is an unforgiveable understatement. If he strongly feels that way why does he still pollute the peace of my place with his presence?

Trouble ballooned when I started frowning at or addressing their excesses. For nine months I let them have a field day. On December ending of 2012 I asked them to find a place that I cannot ignore and endure anymore and to my greatest surprise, the guy confronted me on that. He challenged me as if I’m breaching the agreement we had to live together.

Telling me “….so you want to kick us out? Me and my family will wait for you and the police or army you will call to kick us out”

I took it calmly like my usual self. I can really be calm on the surface but tsunami underneath. All I said to him was “…this is why people don’t do good deeds.” I initially gave them till end of January to leave and the guy threw tantrum again. Later he apologized for the tantrum that he was being a jerk. They said they are looking for an accommodation but it doesn’t look it to me. The man bragged that money ain’t a problem, matter fact they’ll leave before January ending. Two after those were said, they are still at my place. I don’t mock their situation, I pray for them. I don’t hate them but I deeply and unapologetically hate their lifestyle. The should get a lifestyle facelift. I’m just watching, not talking anymore. Their lifestyle can impact negatively on a weak minded single man to decide not marry again if this is what marriage will be like.

My uncle once said something that shocked me because of how true his words of wisdom were. This was before they even came. He said; ”People of our family love to help people but we do it to a point that it really hurts us and we keep doing it.” When I reflect on that comment I shudder. Every and anybody I tell this just wants me to kick them out by fire by force except two people. I don’t know why I’m still holding back hoping somehow a happy ending will emerge.

In your opinion, if you were me what would you do?

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