Thinking Tuesday March 12 2013

Thank God for another beautiful day. I woke hail and hearty except for the what-do-i-wear fever. I confess, I've been feeling horny lately. Man got needs you know, I gotta satisfy them. ''Body no be firewood like the parlance here goes'' I did my devotional and prayed. These days Ibe's wife Amara dont sleep in the house, only God knows what they are up to. I didnt do much browsing with the office internet modem that I took home with me yesterday. So I gotto be early in office today no matter what! I made it on time and set the modem back on its throne. There you go, the internet Kingdom is complete once again.

I have been downloading some videos since this month and never bothered to check my usage. I checked our bandwidth and froze. 70% of our monthly plan has already been used!! What?!! Dont look at me, look at him within me. He made me do it. How the heck did I get so carried away to this extent. The good thing is if I stop my downloads, the remaining 30% will see us to March 31st. Immediately I conscientiously banned download, at least my downloads. I'm thinking of buying an internet topup card out of my pocket just in case. I then worked on my appeal letter. Ifeanyi walked in when I was printing it.

Everything in check, off I go to Yaba, let the Lord's favour be abundant upon me, AMEN!! I got to Yaba with little traffic hassle. I dropped my appeal. One of the secretaries called Nike was kind enough to tell me to follow up on the appeal after two (2) or three (3) weeks. I was like TWO or THREE WHAT??!!! Is it going to take that long? Won’t the semester be over by then? Mehn this is such a drag. I just sounded like Shikamaru from Naruto anime. I got back to the office after doing a little shopping at Yaba.

I have been thinking seriously about my life, where it is, where I want it to be and how I will take it there. What do I gotta do? Please my dear head don’t explode because of too much thinking! We are in this together. Im just looking out for all of us. Together we will achieve quality result/success!

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Monday March 11 2013

I woke up quite early. I had don’t-know-what-to-wear fever. I had to iron something hurriedly in the morning. I didnt read my open heaven nor did I pray. Oh well this is one of them days. Yeah I am supposed go to MBA school Yaba to submit my appeal letter. I made sure I put all requirements in my bag. Little did I know my plan wont work according to plan. I got to the office quite early.

My boss really pissed the shit out me. I spent almost the entire day trying to fix a new pair of tires on her wife's Prado vehicle. How annoying!!!! First I to look for a cheap place to buy a good quality Michelin, Dunlop or Pirelli tire. I ended buying Pirelli tires at a Pirelli dealer shop in Victoria Island. When I got to the house the wife, the house-help gave me a polythene bag containing a convenience bag like the type you get in planes. It had an old tooth brush, old gillet shaving stick and some new disposable gillet shaving stick plus a shaving gel. She said the my boss’ wife asked her to give it to me. I was like what the freaking hell is this?! Is this her pathetic idea at giving me a gift? It was so unclear. I couldnt reach her to ask what it means, I just left it for them in my boss’ car.

It took eternity for the car shop to fix the tires and do wheel alignment and balancing. There was a long queue actually so we had to wait me and the driver that is. After a long while we were through and headed back to the office. He then sent us out again on pseudo-school bus trip to go pick his kid from the school. Im just not finding it funny.

Meanwhile Im starving!! The food I bought and was hoping to walk through my tourist attraction digestive tract is waiting for my services as a tour guide. I couldnt wait to get back to the office, not because Im such loyal employee who loves work so much though. I feel like my innards has been complete eroded by my gastric juice, more like gastric acids cuz of the hard working hunger. Lord I finally made it back to the office. 

My boss went straight to my desk rummaging through my take away food pack, telling me to share. Whoever owns this child should please take him or else murder will be the case they'll give me. There are certain things he shouldn’t joke with in my present hungry/angry man state. He later asked again politely so I shared with him which I did. It just took the whole day to get these stuff done.

I done like this kinda work where run around the streets of Lagos at least the driver didn’t ditch me today lol. With the change of events, I didnt go to school again. I hate it when that happens. I wasnt really furiating like I would've normally been, God kinda gave me peace of mind I guess.

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Tweet Of The Day: Abati Is A Product Of Same-Sex Marriage

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Sunday March 10 2013

Woke up early feeling good. Feeling pumped up. In the meantime I had a whatsapp chat with Enque. She wants to visit her elder sister at Ikotun who gave birth a week ago. I asked if I can join her, she didnt mind but I knew I wasnt going anywhere. Ikotun is freaking far and the traffic is murderous. I did my devotional. I wanted to attend Sunday school today in church so I prepared for church early. I had promised to give or should I say lend Chioma some money today, she asked yesterday. We agreed to meet at my bus stop anytime after 6:30am since she'll be attending 6:30am mass at the Catholic Church at my bus stop.

She changed her mind and thinks its terrorism to let me know. I sent whatsapp messages, no reply. I called countless times before she picked telling me is still on her way at around 8:39am. Im so pissed off. Now I've missed sunday school. She came at exactly 8:55am. She knew I was hyper-pissed off. She  apologised and apologised and apologised but I wasnt really smiling. I went to church afterwards. It went well. Seriously I need to tame my mind from wandering to naughty things atimes in church. I answered an altar call for workers. I have always wanted to work in the church in some way. Today I took a bold step towards achieving this spiritual goal. We had a workers-in-training class after service. I kinda feel good. I dropped a sizeable tithe so I feel good about that too. I took the workers form and went home.

I prayed for alot of things, alot of people, alot situations, etc. Before I got home I told Enque I cant make it to Ikotun, few minutes had already passed 2:00pm. And she has been there since 1:00pm. Oh it wasnt  meant to be right from when I made the plan. I knew the outcome, talk of seeing the future. I rested a bit a home then my feet found there way to Ceaser's place. Noone was home there. I went back home rested a little while then hit the road for Spa Supermarket. My mission was simple. First grab a pizza from Debonnaire's Pizza, next head to the office to pick up something. I went for sweet and sour chicken pizza, standard size. That I did. I attacked the pizza like a fresh outta jail guy whose has been sex tarved for years will attack a woman. Mission accomplished. It was already late when I got home.

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Saturday March 9 2013

Woke up feeling weak. Then I remembered my saturday run. I got ready somehow and actually ran. I didnt do devotion. I showered and went to Ceaser's place. I was feeling so tired. Ceaser's house was on fire sort of. Relationship issues with his girlfriend. Relationship can be more dangerous than a nuclear war. We played two rounds of drought/checkers and he beat me as expected.

Aver suggested we play chess, thats kinda my turf. We did. Within a few moves I threatened his king which will end in the death of his his queen. He surrendered by scattering the board to my amusement. Ii didn’t do much today really. That’s why I didn’t write much either. Could it be that marsians wiped clean my memory? Well you figure out something

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Friday March 8 2013

I was up early but I left for office late. Im supposed to go to school today. I showered dressed up taking my time. No ritual yet again. In the office I put finishing touches to the letter. Chris was by his phone waiting for an alert from the bank. The lady had already sent her staff to go and deposit the money in Chris' account. The alert came and Chris zoomed off immediately to the wharf.

Just as I wanted to print the demon possessed the printer. It wouldn’t print. Forces are at work no doubt, is it forces of evil or good. After so many trials it finally printed one set. I wanted to go with two versions of two copies each. Now the second version refused to print. After a while it printed one good copy and one bad copy. The ink has finished.

Its mysteriously amazing to when these sorta things happen when Im desperate to do something. I muttered ''Devil is a liar'' like we usually say. This insignificant hiccup cant cripple my mission. I decided to go to with what I was able to print. Luckily the traffic situation was light. I wasnt surprised when I got to school and they pulled another surprise. These people wont cease to amaze me. I couldnt submit the appeal letter cuz I just learnt that I have to attach some other documents to it. That is just great! I got back to the office a bit disappointed. I didnt waste any more time in the office before calling it a day.

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Thursday March 7 2013

I've been up since 5:00am. God woke me up when my alarm screamed. I've been playing titanium since I woke up. This song is so in my head these days. I’m sure Ibe thinks Im singing it for him. His skill in thinking such retarded thought is legendary. More dead and dying bodies of roaches kept turning up here and there. I ironed, showered and left for work early. I didnt read my devotional nor pray.

I went to the banks, deposited some cheques and created a new account for my boss. I got something for the indigenes of my stomach from Shoprite and back to the office. I wrote the appeal letter. Did some other office assignments. Yesterday when I booked a ticker for Bar. Adefunke Abiodun, aero debited my account but the ticket wasnt delivered. I sent them a mail to reverse the transaction. They want to commit murder making such a mistake on my head. They replied copying me on an email they sent to interswitch directing them to reverse the transaction. I’m yet to see that.

I booked another ticket for Ugo and NO I didnt pay with my mastercard. I went to the bank to pay. Mehn see traffic! First I had to cash a cheque at one bank before going to another bank to pay for the plane ticket. Both banks took their sweet time to attend to me. I went back to office. In a little while I went home. Chris caught a break on his dire need of cash. He told a lady friend of his who works with CBN, she was like how much is it like a rich mother asks her spoilt kid. He slyly told her slightly above the amount he wanted. She said she will take care of it. Chris was so delirious that evening.

Amara didnt sleep in the house, God knows she slept. Ibe escorted her out as I came in. By the time Ibe came back, the backdoor has been locked. His call woke me, I had to go downstairs to open the door for him. Few minutes later he asked if I had eaten, I mumbled an answer and fell back asleep.

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Wednesday March 6 2013

Im up early. Did my ritual, showered and left for work. I got to the office very early, never been this early in a long time. For some reason I have been playing the song 'Titanium' by David Guetta ft Sia over and over today. I went to Radisson Blu Hotel to meet my boss for some stuff he needs me to do. Hunger is already working hard in my belly. I called him as soon as I reached the hotel and he said he will get back to me in a few minutes. Its so charming and assuring the way he said it but my ear tingled with disapproval. I know that expression very well. Its means wait for me for God-knows-how -long and I dont have such luxury of time. I have alot I wanna do.

I waited for roughly one hour and sent him a text that I was leaving. He said ok. Then he said I should come. A third text message came saying I can go. What manner of confusion is this?? Ok Im on my way back to the office. I went straight to The Place instead, I gotta eat mehn! Ifeanyi was in the office when I got back. Chris isnt back from Apapa yet, he went to collect the bill of laden for the car he shipped in. Shit, he's looking for money badly to clear the car. I feel for him. I sacrificed the food to gods of my stomach which they accepted whole heartedly. We didnt do much. Another day to deal with power issue in the office. Ugo came back with some refreshments from the SEC meeting. We helped ourselves.

I got home to a horrible sight. The lifestyle of the couple squatting with extended their notoriety to the extent of causing cockroach infestation in my room. Should I still call it ''my room'' cuz it now lacks traces of my pampered care. You hardly see a single cockroach before their arrival. Now we share every inch of the room with roaches. So when I entered the room, I saw uncountable number of dead bodies. Dead bodies of cockroaches I mean. Some are not dead yet, they still locked in spiritual battle with death. It was a serious roach massacre. You can call it roach genocide. I guess Ibe sprayed a massive amount of insecticide in the room. You can barely breathe in here.

I just took my bath and sat to one corner with less roach carcass. I ain’t touching anything. They will clear the mess by themselves, its so annoying. About ten minutes later Ibe walked in. He asked when I came in, I told him. Then he asked me, ''You saw the room like this when you came in?'' My mind retorted in a flash ''No I didnt see the room like this when I came in. The room was spick and span then I grabbed million dead bodies from the roach morgue and splashed it all over the room'' The question didnt make any sense to me. That's a horrible attempt at starting a conversation if that was his aim. The sight of him sweeping the carcasses was the oddest thing I’ve ever seen, he never lifts a finger to clean the room before. I just focused on my communion with my laptop only moving occasionally to give for him. Sleep came in due time and I heed the call.

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Tuesday March 5 2013

I didnt wake up on time. I stayed awake from 3 till 5 when I drifted off again and woke up around 8. My boss wont be coming to the office today, has an avalanche of long meetings to attend mostly SEC related. He asked me to pick up our office internet modem from his house. By the time I got to his house, no one was home.

I couldnt get online in the office almost althrough the day. I designed some charts for Chris on PowerPoint, that was the major thing I did today. I went to house around three when one of his domestic staff came home to collect the modem. I closed early. I went straight home.

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Monday March 4 2013

I woke up on Cherrie's bed. Yes you heard me. More like I woke up on Cherrie's bossom. What happened?! I went there like a lion and came out like a kitten. This thing called heart is a complicated sophisticated unpredictable incredible organ that pumps blood and emotions. Effective communications is essential for any healthy relationship. I went home showered and left for work. I neither read my devotional nor prayed.

Today's work was just going from one office to another, one bank to another, one shopping center to another, etc. I hardly stayed in the office. Also my boss hired a new driver, today was his first day on the job. He was chauffering me about. We went to Jubaili Bros to drop a cheque. He parked outside and I went inside. Earlier he complained that his phone is dead and needs some juice to power on. By the time I was attended to, after all the procedural bottle necks, I came out and he was nowhere to be found. Is this a joke? If it is, it sure ain’t funny at all.

Now my mind is getting crazy creative with possible scenarios. Did he runaway with the car? No he didnt. I let him buy fuel on his own unaccompanied. If that was his plan he coulda done it then. Maybe he went back to the office. My mind was churning out questions, possibilities, scenarios, etc at the speed that will make light jealous. I check all the car park but there was no trace of him. I have to let my boss know, so I did. I went on to finish my task on my own now. I got back to the office still no sign of him. My main concern was my lunch. I left it in the car that has gone technically missing. Im so hungry. Dont blame me.

He later called my boss and myself. I answered both calls and told him to come straight to the office. What happened was that the security at the premises asked him to park in certain area unknown to me. He has been there waiting for me to come out. His phone was dead, I couldnt reach him. He called from a call center eventually. He came back to the office, I ate my food and left office. I didnt go to school again. I went straight home. I still haven’t written letter, what the hell is wrong with me?

Got home in anticipation of seeing Cherrie one last time before she leaves. She has changed her travel date three times now, I wonder. Ibe left the house a few minutes after I came in. Its as if they leave the house for me  once I enter during the day. What gives? I called Cherrie, she said she is on her way but feels tired. She came by after a long while. She came with an act. A very poor acting on her part if you ask me. She said she is so tired and she is feeling sleepy. I didnt say anything I just ignored everything like it was nothing. We went back to her place and the person pretending to be falling asleep at my place didn’t sleep again. I went back home. Truth is Im glad she is leaving. I slept afterwards.

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Dear Diary: Sunday March 3 2013

Im up like 3:43am. I lazed about on the bed till morning. Ibe left early in the morning to God-knows-where. I started writing my appeal letter to my school coordinator. I planned going to MBA school Yaba to get a sample of correct format of addressing the letter, I dint want to call anybody. I dressed up much later and left for church.

I got to the church and decided to polish my shoe with the abokis near the church premises. But it took a helluva time for him to finish. Dont know if he was making a new shoe for me from the scratch. I asked him to apply gum to the flaking part of the sole, I guess he applied gum all over the sole. My body had to wait patiently outside while my mind worshipped inside via the church speaker blaring outside. The long wait eventually ended.

Today's service was both anointing and thanks giving service. It was wonderful. I left for Yaba. The heat is scary. No trace of the rain that fell last nite anywhere. I got what I went for at Yaba. I bought sports shorts from Yaba and left Yaba. Next port of call was Shoprite. I wanted to buy my favourite seafood paella rice. It wasnt ready so my man on the inside said I should wait like twenty minutes. So I strolled towards the window of Gems shop in The Palms. In all the times I've been to The Palms, never bothered to look at the price tags of the jewelries on display. I checked the earrings and saw 9900 and I thought it was 99000. Then I was like N9900 is a fair price for those earrings. Then I saw it. I saw the currency sign $! The pair of earrings is freaking $9900!!

I really hate with destructive passion when price of items in Nigeria are dominated in a foreign currency. If Im the law, I would've outlawed it with a scary stiff penalty for defaulters. Ok now its more than twenty minutes, let me go check my food mehn and get the hell outta here. I figured my idle suspicious presence out the window of the gem shop aroused the curiosity of their security. I laugh!! I went back to Shoprite waited a little while and my order was served by my guy, I paid and left. Ceaser called me to remind me about our Sunday evening football game, I told him I wanst sure I'll make it. I ate the at our office and went home with the state of mind of going to play ball. I called Ceaser and he has changed about the game, he is taking a nap instead.

I rested a few minutes. Then I soaked some clothes to wash. Immediately I finished soaking the clothes PHCN took light. I wasn’t about to be discouraged by that you know. I lit up my spare phone and used the light like a hunter tied to my head. After washing I showered and went to Cherrie's place to tell her the good news that she is no longer needed in my life. I was fuming a little. She wasnt around, I waited till she came and the rest was an awkward history. I tried to project calm and nice me regardless of the exact opposite feelings suffocate me within. She took a nutty picture of me yesterday before she humongous annoyance she made me feel. Though I wouldnt want her to have such pix even if she didnt piss me off.

I asked her to delete not that I couldnt have deleted it myself. I just wanted her to respect my wishes and do it herself. So I asked her nicely while holding her phone if she has deleted it? And she flipped. It was so unbelievable to me. She struggled for her phone with me, I eventually let her have it. Then she goes ''If not deleting the picture will cause quarrel that she wont delete it. If its the only reason I came to see her she wont delete it'' For the first time I saw a very stubborn obstinate vixen, and it saddened me greatly. Was I stupid for believing she will reason with me and delete it? I coulda deleted it quietly when I took her phone without letting her but still I asked if she had removed it. She was like ''Its her phone she can do whatever the hell she damn well pleases with it'' I said you forget its my picture. I thought for a moment and decided to let her have her way. I told her Im leaving and she can do whatever she wants with the picture I dont give a damn anymore.

I stood up to leave and she barricaded the doorway. Thank God Im not hot tempered otherwise I woulda smacked her outta my way like pesky fly. Suddenly she wants to dialogue. Seriously?! That mad stubborn obstinate vixen has made a royal way for a loyal lamb. She asked for five minutes, I later agreed to five minutes only. When the proverbial five minutes prolonged indefinitely, I didnt know. She said alot things. Some of them were true. Some made sense to me, some didnt. Some touched me deeply and made me feel guilty.

Our problem was deeply rooted in miscommunication. Then she started crying. Tears, provided they are not crocodile tears when shed for the right reason always leaves me unimaginably weak. I had to cuddle her and talk to her. Apologies. Apologies. It flew back and forth. Now she's asking me to stay the night. Look at me, looking at turnout of events. I didnt tell her its over like I planned but through out talks we have accepted it calmly. She will travel to east to school of course. To cut the long story short I slept there. Yeah there was a lota smooching but no sex. Man proposes, God laughs and disposes. Who woulda thought it will end like this.

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Dear Diary: Saturday March 2 2013

I jogged this morning, it’s been a long while. Contrary to my fears I didnt get tired easily but I took it easy. I read my devotional after I showered. I relaxed a bit then went over to Ceaser's. There I had my breakfast which was yam and egg. We played drought and he beat me three times. He has been practicing with some bad players like he's going for a competition. The result was expected. Its so hot inside and equally hot outside. There's breeze outside but it blows mostly hot air. I came back home and slept real good. Mehn it was so energizing. Thank God for sleep. I woke up in the evening. Ibe and his wife went out to God-knows-where.

I called Cherrie to come around. She came much later. We talked about this and that. Then she started with her whining, complaining, too much attention seeking attitude. Going on and on about her observation and the mountain she expected from me and how she is getting a tree stump like she is perfect without flaws. She has flaws, I dont dwell on it. I have observed she keeps malice and is vengeful. She didnt meet my expectation too. She ended up annoying me to the roots of my being. Scopium has had enough. I have had enough. Me, myself and I have had enough. This bad rubbish is getting a good riddance from me for good. In the middle of the arguments she stormed to the door that she is leaving, I didnt bother stopping her and she was like ''so you are letting me go?'' In my mind I was like ''you freaking think I'm gonna beg you? Not today girl'' I've really had it with you.

I have never met a personality like hers before, frankly I dont need such unnecessary difficulty. Later she said she was leaving. This time she announced it unlike storming to the door, I said okay. It was a few minutes after nine, I didnt see her off. Im closing this chapter, woe betide who dares open it. Ibe and his wife came back a few minutes later just before the rain started to fall. The rain was on my side cuz it washed away any trace of her in my life.

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Dear Diary: Friday March 1 2013

Its a new month! Welcome everybody, what's shaking? Lets march on to success in this month of March. I neither read my devotional nor prayed today. I misused my time in the morning. I couldn’t make headway in the letter I wanted to write this morning when I woke up so I decided to watch something to clear my head. I chose Bleach anime to watch. I got carried away somewhere along the line.

I got to work on time. But there was no light. The generator was bad and PHCN was out of commission. The day dragged by slowly and painfully. I ran a few errands to the banks to make payments and also pay into my account. Also I went to Etisalat shop at The Palms to configure my boss' new ipad and back to the office. I slept to my heart content in the office. I was the only human around. It was a few minutes after three that the generator roared into life like a nightmare monster.

Ok my boss asked me to download a couple of songs unfortunately we've ran out of internet bandwidth. He called someone he knew from our ISP to give us internet connection while payment will be made later. This method is like a routine and it works like a charm cuz we always pay, we never default no matter what! I downloaded his songs as well as mine. They took the light just when one of my downloads reach 99%, that’s mean. My boss brought champagne to the office when he came but somehow we forgot all about popping it. It survived today to be popped another day. I left office almost straight to Cherrie's house but she wasnt around. I went home eventually. Mimi served me small food as I told her. I watched a few more episodes of bleach and then zzzzz.

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What To Do When The Help You Gave Is Giving You Hell?

I wish this was a fiction but it isn’t. I can’t vividly put everything on paper, I’ll try to make it short. I’m a single Nigerian man trying to make a decent living in the hustle and hustle chaos of Lagos like most people. I stay alone in a room self-contained apartment somewhere in the Lekki corridor. Those who know Lekki can agree with me it’s plagued with unreasonably astronomical rent. One day out of the blue my childhood friend called. He is in Lagos with the family somewhere around Ikotun. I promptly cleared my calendar and paid them a visit.

A week or few days later he told me they will be traveling back to the east on the next Saturday. But since their engagement was in Victoria Island and it demands they be in the office as early as possible on Friday, they requested to stay with me which instantly accepted without giving it a thought. Of course I dint have to. I 'm not married and live alone. I was simply lending a helping hand to a friend. So the simple plan was to come to my place on Tuesday, do their thing in V/I on Friday and then travel back to the east on Saturday. Roughly 5 DAYS stay. Very simple you would say. The month was March. To be precise, it was MARCH 2012. The shocker is that they are still in my place. And this is MARCH 2013! A 5 days stay turned to a 365 days stay yet, the end is not in sight!

Imagine Mr. IN, Mrs. AN and two little niggling kids (girls) living with a single Nigerian man like me in one room. That’s 5 people in one room. The last girl still wears pampers. The wife took the kid back to east sometime in February this year. The main issue is that their lifestyle is polar opposite of mine. I’m the kinda person that can give you a clear precise direction from another galaxy in space on where to get a needle from any corner in my room. In other words I’m very organized. I'm very neat and clean. These people are they exact opposite. It annoys me when things are scattered and untidy. I cook as a bonus. Single Nigerian ladies take note.

That's not my room but you get the picture

They turned the room upside down. They “junglefied” the room effortlessly. In one month the room has seriously aged more than it did in my 3 years stay in it. They damage and litter everywhere and by default blame the kids who can’t defend themselves, most times the kids are not the culprit. I kept fixing things, they will never fix a pin. They will pile the trash up like a messy miniature Egyptian pyramid. At a point I had to wash every inch of the walls by myself in their presence. They should try a healthy lifestyle for the sake of their kids at least.

The guy can’t even wash his handkerchief unless the wife washes them. The moment they open their eyes in the morning, they make a fast bee line to the TV, both papa and mama and even the kids. I know family entertainment is very good for family bonding but does it warrant watching TV with the kids till 2:00am sometimes? I’m like what are you teaching these kids? I advised them over and over to have a timetable for the kids, latest by 9:00pm the kids should be in bed. It fell on deaf stone ears. All I hear is; “the kids don’t sleep on time.” I’m like how can they sleep when you have initiated their body system into your wake keeping style television watching habit from dusk to dawn.


I'm not a relationship guide expert but it's glaring that they need a little relationship guide. They quarreled and fought like crazy initially over really retarded reasons often orchestrated by the guy. At first I try to separate them but they are dedicated to the violence so I stopped bothering myself. Una go tire na. Whenever they go WrestleMania I just shield the kids from their parents menace. They pack a lot of nasty dirty habits that really irritate, disgust and annoy me. They are filth-friendly. It's as if a healthy lifestyle is unappealing to them. I just ignored and endured all this. I think they need marriage advice. You can say by association with them I'm not a single Nigerian man any more.

I have seen many moons, I’m yet to see a mind that works in a warped fashion as Ibe’s. He can attach a simple act of placing a pencil on the table to the events of cold war era of 1947 and further to a future colder war. He is one helluva paranoid, delusional, complex stricken homo sapien.

He is legendary with skill of reading a person’s mind, motive, thoughts, body language you name it, no problem with that. But he is a total failure at the results he gets from his readings. The worst part is how strongly he will believe he is right based on his highly delusional postulation. It’s mesmerizingly amazing. It used to disturb me when he makes these psycho assumptions but now it just amuses me like a good cartoon. Like Gaara told Naruto in the anime; “Uzumaki Naruto, you are really good at amusing me!”

He’s richly endowed with a brittle mouth that is always so hasty to spew some irrational things. At slightest tiff with his wife he will layer very unfathomable deep curses on his wife and he expects to prosper after cursing himself, since he is now one with his wife. I wonder what actually goes on in his heart. The bible clarifies it in Luke 6:45 which says;

"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh."

In all honestly, when his demons are heavily sedated, he can exhibit a good nature. He thinks or cares about others, he's willing to share whatever he has, he can try to motivate you, etc. Still he is a jerk. His jerk part casts a very extensive nasty shadow. Somebody who knew him well from the village said he can really be a humongous jerk. I didn’t know all this side of him.

Now the wife is a hardworking woman. She doesn’t always agree with all her husband’s actions and utterances. She has her own excess baggage too. The most friction we experience is generated by him.

One thing I have always been very genuinely and deeply grateful to this couple for is food. As a single guy I can assure you cooking can be stressful most times, that has been lifted off my shoulder and they combining resources can whip up something when you least expect it. But I’m finicky with food so I don’t always enjoy or eat what is cooked. It may not be the best healthy foods but I'm always grateful and appreciate the gesture. I buy foodstuffs and drop money occasionally especially when they ask me for it.

I’m not saying I’m a perfect being. I’m not. I give people benefit of the doubt till there's no more doubt left to give. Please I beg you for my sake disregard the saying; "Show me your friend and I'll tell you who you are." That saying is seriously flawed in this situation. I'm nothing like this guy and will never be!

I often ask God why He is putting me through this trial. But I know God’s purpose will make me triumph at the end of the trials and tribulation. I did what I did because it’s the heart and kind of person God made me. I’m not doing it so that this guy will reward me. God will reward me. If he decides appreciate what I did, that’s a bonus. If he doesn’t, I won’t hold it against him. But history and posterity will bear witness to my deed.

I'm a single Nigerian man but I live the life of a married man. My privacy is dead and rotten. My friends don’t visit me anymore. Shame severely shrinks my self-esteem anytime a select few attempt to visit me because of the new signature of my room, signature of grime rebranded aesthetic. My girl then said over her dead body will she visit me provided they still stay with me all thanks to his jerk behaviour. That was how that relationship died a natural death somehow. She even told me like a prophetess; "Mark my words the help you are giving will end in a fall-out. It usually does and the people will never remember the sacrifice you made to shelter them." How naive I was, I didn't believe a word she said. What have I not seen from them?

In his delusion, this guy had the effrontery to accuse me of having an affair with his wife. Saying I find it very insulting is an unforgiveable understatement. If he strongly feels that way why does he still pollute the peace of my place with his presence?

Trouble ballooned when I started frowning at or addressing their excesses. For nine months I let them have a field day. On December ending of 2012 I asked them to find a place that I cannot ignore and endure anymore and to my greatest surprise, the guy confronted me on that. He challenged me as if I’m breaching the agreement we had to live together.

Telling me “….so you want to kick us out? Me and my family will wait for you and the police or army you will call to kick us out”

I took it calmly like my usual self. I can really be calm on the surface but tsunami underneath. All I said to him was “…this is why people don’t do good deeds.” I initially gave them till end of January to leave and the guy threw tantrum again. Later he apologized for the tantrum that he was being a jerk. They said they are looking for an accommodation but it doesn’t look it to me. The man bragged that money ain’t a problem, matter fact they’ll leave before January ending. Two after those were said, they are still at my place. I don’t mock their situation, I pray for them. I don’t hate them but I deeply and unapologetically hate their lifestyle. The should get a lifestyle facelift. I’m just watching, not talking anymore. Their lifestyle can impact negatively on a weak minded single man to decide not marry again if this is what marriage will be like.

My uncle once said something that shocked me because of how true his words of wisdom were. This was before they even came. He said; ”People of our family love to help people but we do it to a point that it really hurts us and we keep doing it.” When I reflect on that comment I shudder. Every and anybody I tell this just wants me to kick them out by fire by force except two people. I don’t know why I’m still holding back hoping somehow a happy ending will emerge.

In your opinion, if you were me what would you do?

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Dear Diary: Thursday 28-02-2013

I’m up early. I did a little work on the insurance presentation last night. Im glad I did. I ironed the clothes I wanted to wear, read my devotional and prayed. I prepared my mind for the day's task. I showered at my convenient time and left the house. The sun was merciless or should I say over efficient in the discharge of its duties of lighting and heating earth. The year 2013 didnt leap so the month of February ended today being 28th.

I needed to board Obalende bus and from Obalende take Yaba bus. There were no buses for some reason. What is the problem? The few buses that came were not going to my direction. And there I stood with other passengers like meat on the grill. This is not the kinda weather for standing at a bus stop without shade. Im sure some plants though they need it for photosynthesis will complain it’s too much.

That still small inner voice spoke to me. You know that inner voice that tries to guide us that we often refuse to listen to? Yes that voice, it spoke to me. It asked me to call my course coordinator, the man Im going to Yaba to see. I've called this petite-statured man endlessly on his two lines to the point the ring will deafen me but he never picked my call. I decided not to call again. This time the stars were aligned. First I listened to my inner voice and called. Just one dial and he picked! First I felt like maybe its the wrong number but I ignored the feeling of negativity.

I spoke to him respectfully as calmly, calculated and confident like he's a confidant. He responded likewise. He asked me if it was the only course I had an issue with and I replied yes. He then asked me to write an appeal letter to the course coordinator through the MBA School to see if there's any help they can give. I went numb with joy. Serious joy paralysis struck me as the feeling of hope was violently rekindled. I've gotta act fast.

I went straight to Shoprite to get something to eat before going to the office. At the office I worked some more on the insurance presentation, mehn its a lot more work than I thought. Ifeanyi dint come to work today. The office has been devoid of his presence for two days. He had complained of being cash strapped, oh well I am too. He pushes a range rover sports and a Benz  suv, I push none. In his cash strapped state, he still doing well compared to mine. I went home early.

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Dear Diary: Wednesday 27-02-2013

Im up early. I have been up since 1:07am. There was no light, I stayed awake in the dark rummaging through my phone for stuffs to do. I listened to the radio on my phone and read a novel till I fell asleep again around 5:00am. My phone battery went dead, no power to juice it up. I woke again around 9:00am.

Performed my ritual. Left for work afterwards. I got to work really late. By the time I charged my phone I saw a bunch of sms and whatsapp messages. One of them was from Enque thanking me for lending an ear yesterday when we had the sob chat. I didn’t know I was that helpful, lending an ear can be a huge relief help. I was not very productive for the office today. I was very productive from a personal and leisure standpoint.

Tonight Im gonna work like mad on insurance presentation. I plan to go to school tomorrow. I dint go home early like yesterday. I went to see Cherrie. I think she whines or complains alot over things that I find trivial. I dont understand. I don’t need all that. I did just that.

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Dear Diary: Tuesday 26-02-2013

I woke up early today. Performed my morning ritual. Waking up to a numbing headache is now a commonplace. I can’t wait to rid myself completely of this cough and catarrh. The catarrh is almost completely gone. The cough shows its presence lesser and lesser. Its just a matter of time. Amara is on one stupid mad rush again. If only she had any shame. I tried to tune their voice out, I dint achieve 100% success. I just remembered my paycheck, and I lit up. It’s the koko today. I showered quickly and left the house to the nearest access bank. I cashed the check and deposited it straight to my account. I went to work at my own time cuz my boss is out of town.

Mehn Im freaking hungry. I went straight to Shoprite from my bank. I bought porridge yam one of their latest dish. I've never tasted it before so I decided to try it. I bought a yoghourt drink too. Immediately I got to the office I hungrily ravaged the food. It was deeply filling but not deeply satisfying. It got too much salt or salty tasting sauce like it had too much seasoning cube. If that's the regular taste Im not tasting that shit again. I like to believe it was mistake today until I taste it again. I worked on my blog a little. It needs a lot of work though and is a luxury I cant afford at the moment. Chris is back in the office doing his thing. Ifeanyi is back as well. He went to cash his check. Chris has been dying to get a favourable response from Diamond bank on a training programe like yesterday. He called the bank and they gave him a shock therapy literally. They told him that any form of response favourable or not has been postponed for two weeks cuz the person in charge is on two weeks vacation. He is furious. His argument is why cant someone else take charge until she returns?!

Ifeanyi on the other hand has his own issues too. The management of his estate 1004 in Victoria Island cut power of their section of flats until they pay N200,000 levy. Dude doesnt have it at the moment. He is planning to take refuge at Festac town but the catch is, he owes someone in Festac. On top of that doctor told him this morning that his former driver who was sick whom he is helping with medical bills has HIV 1 & 2! Doctor said its well advanced and the sick man is not responding to treatment. He said the guy's wife just put to bed two months ago. The wife reached out to him for help in the first place, now he is going to break the bad news to wife. Ify was like he needs to hit the liquor store. Like his mouth needs a conjugal with a bottle of alomo. I tabled my own case about the folks squatting in my apartment and they were like dude they have to leave. Chris is point blank about it. He said Nigerians love to beg but this is not a begging situation, I just cant live that way. We all have our own shitty situation.

My uncle once said something that shocked me cuz of how true his words of wisdom was for me. He said people our family love to help people but they do it to a point that it really hurts us and we keep doing it. Why do I keep doing this? I keep pitying them but do they do same for me? Im not mocking their situation but they are compounding mine. Later Bisi called to say hi. I asked her to see me before she goes home which she did. I closed work early. Hung out with Doc for a while before going home. I had a heart-to-heart sob chat with Cleavie about a particular woman in her life. I felt so much her. I wish I can just eject her out of that situation. When I got home a little storm brewed.  I took my sweet and sweat time to scrap off all the repulsive candle wax these people used to reverse-beautify the aesthetics of my room. I mean I don’t understand how comfortable these guys are with making everywhere messy and ugly!

So I told them please you guys need to remove the wax one of you (which I don’t care) left in the bathroom cuz I took my time to remove wax you piled up on every surface in this house like stalagmite on a cave floor. Not that I said it like that but I wasn’t nice and cuddly about it. So Ibe went off like “Are you now a landlord? You shouldn’t have said it thy way you said it.” We exchange a few remarks but nothing major or damaging. I wasn’t really bugging. Amara was cautiously in the middle. I didn’t care, glad I have passed the message across. I wasn’t in a good mood either. I went out to let the message marinate. And when my bed called, I answered.

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My Oga At The Top Is Almighty God! Daiz All!

First of all my "oga at the top" is God. Below is a video of the Lagos State Commandant of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corp (NSCDC) Obafaiye Shem. The video is funny and embarrassing. He said that he has never visited his organisation’s website. Its so embarrassing the level of incompetence generously displayed by this high level square peg officer occupying and exalted round position.

This interview has vividly showcased some of the rot in some of these public institutions.Is it caused by the decay in the education system or the collapse of the entire system itself in rewarding merit instead of tribalism, favouritism, federal capital sinkhole, nepotism, etc?

Watch the video below, Daiz All!

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Can you see that? I see boobs on display. lol

Can you please trace Jay Lenon's eyes. Where is focused on? That's what I thought. We can't blame the guy, its such a vista view of voluminosity on display. lol

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Dear Diary: Monday 25-02-2013

Woke up feeling much better. The night rest was more than therapeutic for my headache. I did my morning ritual. This couple in my house are disturbing the peace and quiet of the trying to decide what the wife will wear that morning. She is on another imbecilic mad rush this morning. Every time she has any engagement its always the same foolish approach. If the appointment is by 10:00am, she will waste all the time in the morning gisting specifically gossiping (they are very good at that), watching tv, a miniscule fraction is spent on chores in the kitchen and when its 9:30am she will start hurrying up. What kinda stupid lifestyle is that? It’s always the same every goddamn time.

One day I got so pissed by her annoying commotion and I told her to wake up on time get prepared for your engagement and stop leading this irresponsible life. Did it make any change? Hell no! She will always be late. Her's is a hopeless case. If Im the person she keeps delaying like this all the time, I would've stopped waiting for her lateness ass a loooong time ago. I dont say shit again. And will never say shit again. Let the dead bury the dead. Period! Her chronic lateness drama dint end until she asked me for some transport to wherever-the-hell she was going to. I dressed up calmly and left for work.

Generally, I dint do much in the office today. I still had the Lion of Africa PowerPoint presentation to work on. My illegal immigrant cough and catarrh still resides in the state called my body. The catarrh has seriously gone down the cough is still there. Maybe the cough is cuz I skip the medication sometimes. I dont know about the efficacy of the syrup but I find the taste so damaging. I went to The Game to pick up a few things.

As we were preparing to leave the office for the day, my boss gave a check for my salary with a ⅓ increment. My eyes glowed at the sight of it.  I can use the extra. Earlier in the day he asked if I eat well I said I dont. I told him Im losing weight no thanks to the Saturday 10-15km run. I told him Im going to stop the weekly run cuz my goal and theirs are at polar ends. They want to lose weight, I want to gain. They want to eat less, I want to eat more. They are already eating well, and Im not. You see I have no business being in the camp. I only want to be fit so 5km weekly can do that for me. He said he will take care of my lunch every month. He assumed an average figure and did the maths, I guess thats the reason behind the bump in my paycheck. Its all good. I just started paying my tithe, it will go up like wise. We went home

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Dear Diary: Sunday 24-02-2013

I woke up with a start, feeling good. Read my devotional and prayed. I have feelings of immense and overwhelming success, peace and bliss. I went to Victory Inheritance Ministry, Ceaser's church. There was one wonderful testimony I heard that really moved me. The testimony in summary was how an ordinary commission staff whose boss is very difficult and has spent the last six months whining, complaining and trying to quit a job which she has done since 2010, now got rewarded with manager training course in USA. The embassy gave her instant 2 year multiple visas with working permit. Someone put her name and she got chosen. She wasn’t qualified in any way. She wasn’t a full staff nor a manager. That’s the power of God's awesomeness. After service they held eagle's (they call the youths eagles) meeting.

We went to Tony's place at Isolo. They reception was grand. His mum prepared wonderful delicious meals for us. She wasnt around when we went there. Some of the dishes were already laid out nicely on the table. We helped ourselves to some nice food. I have not eaten like that in a long time. I thanked him from the depths of my heart for his hospitality. We all did. His mum came in much later, she had to rest so we didn’t spent time with her. We left Tony's house around 4:30pm. We dropped him at Dolphin Estate and headed home. Soon as we got home we changed immediately into our sports gear and went to Ikota school to play football. It was late we dint have much time to play but we did anyway. To my surprise I got tired very quickly though I played till the end. I sweated so much. What could be the cause? Ceaser usually rides his bicycle to the field while I drive. The car refused to start at first, it later started at its convenient time.

By the time we got home Ceaser was home as usual and Doctor was in the house definitely because of Aver. This guy is married with four kids but still pursues girls heavily. I find it very disgusting when men cheat on their wife with multiple partners. I can endure cheating with one person. Though the bottom-line, cheat is cheat. None is a lesser crime. I can’t imagine myself doing that when I get married. I wasn’t really feeling myself. This drummer called headache was pounding the left side of my head with 20 ton sledge hammer. I just disinvolved myself from all the raunchy chats and plays. Aver came so alive and overcharged with all the raunchiness going on. I just tuned them all out like a station with nuisance program. Few minutes later after I had a cup of wine, I begged for my leave and went home. I showered and zzzzzz instantly.

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Ridiculous Amounts Some Celebrities Insured Their Body Parts

Rihanna ($1 Million) Legs. I think you should insure your relationship with Chris Brown lol.

Keith Richards ($1.2 Million) Middle finger. Only God knows why this one insured middle finger.

Jennifer Lopez’s $27million (£18.1m) Buttocks. Thats some piece of meat.

Julia Roberts ($30 million) Smile. The smile is awesome if you ask me.

Michael Flatley  $40million (£26.9m) feet (Lord of the Dance)

 

David Beckham’s $70million (£47m) Legs. This makes sense. Those legs are his main asset.

Mariah Carey $1billion (£670m) Legs (Gillette's Legs of a Goddess). Thats a whooping sum! Howcome you didnt insure your amazing high pitched voice?

TheChronicled will insure our blog for sum amount to large to fit on this page

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Dear Diary: Saturday 23-02-2013

Woke up late. Read my devotional and prayed the lord's prayer. I got alot of shit to do today. I gotta wash, clean up etc. Oh boy Im feeling lazy about it. 'No escaping dude' Thats my mind taunting my body. Finally got the strength to do it. Dont ask me where I got it from. Maybe from a kyubi. I always feel like a load is lifted off my shoulder anytime I get all my clothes clean. Time check, a little before two o'clock. I ate beans with fried coarse cassava grains mixed with sugar then saturated in water. In simple english I drink garri with the beans.

Left the house to see Gabriel. I missed them by a few minutes. Gabriel and Aver went to the church for rehearsal against tomorrow's church service while Blessing was at the shop. I went to Doctor's shop instead. The weather was unapologetically scorching hot. At least my clothes won’t have any excuse not to dry fast. There was power outage as usual but Doc has a way of tapping into his neighbour's electricity when this particular neighbour turns on his generator. So Im in luck cuz I cant imagine how hot his shop will be with the intensity of the sun. I went into the inner partition plugged my phone to charged, stationed the fan directly on me and then dozed off. I have no idea how long I slept.

Few minutes after my ship sailed in from slumberland Gabriel a.k.a. Ceaser came from the church. We went to the his house played couple rounds of game of drought or should I call it checkers. I never drew once let alone win. Im not surprised. Im not good at the game. But if it were chess, the outcome would've been very different in my favour. Later in the evening we went for a leadership program he invited me to at Ikoyi. Ceaser and Tony sat at one section while me and Aver sat at an obscure section. Not like we planned it, that was where ushers ushered us to. A few speakers spoke.

Light refreshments went round. Refreshments like cocktail, juice, and finger foods. Bad luck, for us the finger food dint get to us. Just as they were serving our section of the hall Ceaser sent a whatsapp message to Aver that we should go. Aver had already complained of being bored and sleepy. I was kinda not feeling the whole event because of poor audio from the mic or speaker. The temperature in the small hall was very unfriendly. It was the chilled cocktail that served as a coolant to my system otherwise I would've been baked. We left afterwards.

Another guy Sunkami joined us to Falomo bridge Ikoyi where we dropped him and Tony. The guy needed a little change like N200 for transport fare from Ceaser and four of us (Ceaser, Aver, Tony and me) almost disappointed him, can you imagine that. Ok Aver provided the money for tollgate and just has N100 left. Tony just had enough to get him home. I had N1000 note and N90 but no change. Ceaser said he dint have money. Im guessing he dint have spare N200 and dint want to give above that. Finally we gave Aver's N100 and my N90 problem solved.

We got home. I stayed at Ceaser's place for a while. He beat me some more at the game.I got home and just slept off.

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Dear Diary: Friday 22-02-2013

Woke up around three o'clock and the dull nagging headache woke up with me as well. How long does this headache want to remain an illegal tenant in my head?  Im trying to think out a plan for today's activity. Left for work eventually, due to less traffic and fairly fast transportation I got to work before 9:00am. I did a couple minor office tasks. Then my boss asked me to prepare a presentation on insurance company with a template of 2007 AIICO insurance presentation. That means a lot of economic figures must've changed so I gotta research online or elsewhere to get them. I really did some work on that. You need to see the email my boss sent me to really really motivate/ginger/pump me up for the task. Here's the email below...

Nwab please update to today’s numbers.  Perhaps Ifeanyi can help you source current data on the insurance sector, particularly Lion of Africa which is different from Royal Exchange but both owned by the Odogwu's.  But this assignment is your baby.

Start work immediately.  You will get a piece of the action on this for delivery quality work.  You will use the money earned to pay your school fees, get a new place, get a car and get married.  Please do a good job of the graphics

I got a call from my coursemate Chika back in university. She was in the neighbourhood and was saying hello. She is a nice girl. Sometimes I wonder what if I marry her. Never mind I said that. Dont tell her lol. Oh well I don’t know her real real close. She came to submit her resume at one company. I went out to see her and we had a nice conversation as always. Her hustle muscle really inspired me. I felt like I've not really taken my employment situation really serious. May God bless our hustle in Jesus name, AMEN!! After that I went to the bank make some payment and back to the office. It was already evening. How time flies.

I went home afterwards.

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