Hilarious Attorney And Witness Dialogues In Court

Be warned! While reading these attorney and witness court dialogues you may laugh so hard in office that your boss may fire you.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Mehn! I can't stop laughing! This is very hilarious. I know some are actually asked to confuse or catch the witness off guard for another question. Still some downright dumb lol.

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Learn To Selflessly Do Generous Acts Anonymously

I did a generous thing today anonymously. I didn’t plan it though. A lady didn’t have complete bus fare and the danfo bus conductor was threatening fire and brimstone. The lady continued to plead that all she had was the amount in her hand. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t know and don’t judge. I just discreetly gave the danfo bus conductor more than the amount that completes her fare. The bus conductor now collected the rest from her as if he has decided to pity the lady. The lady thanked him profusely and I just watched. The danfo bus conductor never said a word about what really happened. I didn’t say any either. For a split second I felt not appreciated. Then my conscience tugged at my emotions and reminded me;

“Was it not you that want to help people anonymously? Well this is exactly what happens so better get used to it!”

This is the first time I had actually seen how such situation play out atimes. I pulled myself together and I was filled with greater joy. Doing generous acts anonymously is something that can be learnt.



Anonymity Idea Formation Years
As a kid back then in the eastern part of Nigeria, I often hear about donations to orphanages and destitute homes over the BCA Radio. It goes like this; N5,000 to Ahiaeke Motherless Babies Home by Chief So-and-so, N7,000 to Uzuakoli Leprosy Center by Engineer So-and-so, N5,000 to Ahiaeke Motherless Babies Home by Anonymous, etc. The radio broadcasts these donations frequently may be to motivate others to donate too. What usually happens is that when there’s a new set of donations, you may not hear the previous names that donated. But every time you’ll hear Anonymous. Then I will be like this MR. ANONYMOUS must be a very kind and generous rich man for him to donate all the time. I wished to meet Mr. Anonymous. I wished I was rich like him so I can donate regular like him too. I was certain Anonymous was a man and not a woman, the kids mind works in a marvelous way.

True Understanding Of The Word Anonymous
As I got older, my illusion of Mr. Anonymous was shattered. I learnt the meaning of the word. I learnt Anonymous is not a human being or rather it’s a human being that doesn’t want his/her identity disclosed. Frankly, I wasn’t disappointed rather it fascinated me. From then I became a strong advocate such generous works anonymously. Most times it’s impossible to carry out generous acts anonymously.

Why People Do Generous Acts
People do generous acts or good deeds for various reasons. Most times people do it for what they stand to gain, to politicize, attention-seeking, or based on some other conditionality. The best form of giving is giving anonymously. It signifies an act performed selflessly. For sake of doubt you can keep evidence of the act. The God who gave you the heart and resource knows what you did and will reward you abundantly!

The bible said in Matthew 6:3 (NIV) “But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing”

True Implication Of Doing Generous Acts Anonymously
It takes great selflessness and humble heart to donate anonymously. Ultimately it takes the fear of God to give alms help anonymously. Or some people just want private life private. It also shows you did solely it for the benefit of the cause and not for unnecessary attention-seeking, politicizing, or other forms of personal gratification. One can still enjoy the feel good factor of giving. Either way it is the best form of giving and should be emulated by everybody. Only disclose when you absolutely need to disclose your identity.

Note I'm only advocating going generous act or good deeds anonymously. So it doesn't cover doing something bad or evil anonymously.

May God Bless The Anonymous Works Of Thy Hand!

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Matse Uwatse who is Nigeria Info OAP and Ekemelu Bertram Nnoli will walk down the aisle later this month. This love birds are bubbling with passion in this photos, check out the PDA. Wait are they practicing how to kiss when the man of God says "You May Kiss The Bride?"

Matse Uwatse who is Nigeria Info OAP and Ekemelu Bertram Nnoli will walk down the aisle later this month. This love birds are bubbling with passion in this photos, check out the PDA. Wait are they practicing how to kiss when the man of God says "You May Kiss The Bride?"

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Little By Little – RCCG Open Heavens Devotional Wednesday 3rd July 2013

LITTLE BY LITTLE BY PASTOR E. A. ADEBOYE

Memorise:

As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all. Ecclesiastes 11:5

Read:

1 Corinthians 10:11-13
Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come. 1 Corinthians 10:11

Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. 1 Corinthians 10:12

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Open Heavens Message
It is good to know the weapons with which to engage the enemy, but this is not enough. It is important to also know the techniques of the enemy so that you will be guided on how to apply the weapons you have. The more I study the devil, the more I am convinced he is a good boxer. In boxing, there are three major types of blow; the jab, the hook and the uppercut. The average boxer aims at hitting the head of his opponent but he may not start there.

He starts with the jabs at the head, while the opponent is dodging these jabs, is stomach is exposed and the boxer capitalizes on this to give the hook on the stomach. If he succeeds in hitting the solar plexus in the stomach, the opponent tilts forward and the boxer gives the uppercut because the head is closer and most likely not protected.

This tells us something about Satan’s modus operandi, particularly in bringing down committed, Heaven-bound Christians. Although his goal is to completely severe the believer from his helper, so that members of the kingdom of darkness can do whatever they like with the fellow, he carries out this plan on a piecemeal basis. To succeed in this plan, the enemy can be very patient. The devil is satisfied with separating you from the vine little by little. As is commonly said, ‘Little drops of water make the mighty ocean’. This is why you must be concerned about your decrease in spiritual matters as little failings lead to a great fall.

If you are gradually accepting Satan’s excuse – it doesn’t matter, know that something is wrong somewhere. If you have moved from no lie to little lies once in a while, you are already heading for a fall. If your bible study has decreased, you are backsliding. If a little anger is now permitted by you, know that great anger is on its way. Never allow the little sins! Never give room for secret sins. No matter the size, sin is ultimately going to separate you from God your Ally. Take steps to know God more, obey Him and have more of Him. Little by little keep making efforts to grow in faith no matter how little effort is each time. Don’t stay at the same spot!

Bible In One Year:

Psalm 31-33

Action Point
People fall little by little and rise little by little. If you don’t want a negative surprise, watch little developments that are taking place in your life.



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You Will Make It! – RCCG Open Heavens Devotional Sunday 2nd July 2013

YOU WILL MAKE IT! BY PASTOR E. A. ADEBOYE

Memorise:

Who is weak, and I am not weak? who is offended, and I burn not?
2 Corinthians 11:29

Read:

2 Corinthians 11:23-30
Are they ministers of Christ? (I speak as a fool) I am more; in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft. 2 Corinthians 11:23

Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. 2 Corinthians 11:24

Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; 2 Corinthians 11:25

In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; 2 Corinthians 11:26

In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. 2 Corinthians 11:27

Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches. 2 Corinthians 11:28

Who is weak, and I am not weak? who is offended, and I burn not? 2 Corinthians 11:29

If I must needs glory, I will glory of the things which concern mine infirmities. 2 Corinthians 11:30

Open Heavens Message
The midwives of Exodus 1 did not fail God over the purpose for which He planted them at the general hospital. If they did not fail God in spite of their trying circumstances, you too will not fail God over His purpose for your life. If there was somebody who should not make, it was Paul. When he was on the side of the devil, he was Satan’s egg and the arrow head of Satan’s rebellion. But from the time he encountered the Lord Jesus, all hell broke loose: he faced all kinds of challenges. What are you going through? Paul has gone through worse situations. He has been exposed to worst kinds of danger – from the weather, men, beast and even so-called fellow believers (false brethren), yet he stood for Christ to the end.

A lesson from the life of Paul simply tells us that in spite of the level of hindrances, diversions, distractions and disturbances that come your way, if you truly want to finish strong, you will. Paul finished his course. By the grace of God, I will finish my course. Satan can use just about anybody including the leader that you so love and trust. If he wants to introduce a major hindrance on your way to finishing your assignment or making Heaven, he will stir up someone you never expected to hurt you to do something to you that will become a permanent hindrance to your progress.

It happened to Paul. Certain believers he thought were together with him set him up; but for the Lord who had been his trust, he would never have recovered. God helped him out and he pushed the incident aside and moved on. Are you a victim of the plans of so brethren? Are you still grieving over your losses and brooding over the pains? Receive grace and forgive them and move forward; if not, you have just terminated your progress and satan and with his demons will celebrate your defeat. Has your leader or leader’s wife offended you? Please forgive, release the fellow and move on. See the fellow and tell him or her how hurt you were by what he or she did, but that God has given you the grace and you have forgiven him or her. Nothing must take Heaven from you. You will finish strong. You will make it.

Bible In One Year:

Psalm 28-30

Action Point
Grace is the antidote to you problems and challenges. Ask God for more grace daily.



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5 Safety Tips For Women In The Face Of Danger

These safety tips for women was culled from the Facebook page of Lenasia Crime Alert. They were originally written exclusively for women but men can apply it too when necessary. Oh and by the way it's not martial art kind of safety tips. Ladies you have to be brave and confident to you want to execute them properly.

Safety Tips for Ladies

1) What should a woman do if she finds herself alone in the company of a strange male as she prepares to enter a lift in a high-rise apartment late at night?

Experts Say: Enter the lift. If you need to reach the 13th floor, press all the buttons up to your destination. No one will dare attack you in a lift that stops on every floor.

2) What to do if a stranger tries to attack you when you are alone in your house?

Experts Say: Run into the kitchen. You alone know where the chilli powder and turmeric are kept. And where the knives and plates are. All these can be turned into deadly weapons. If nothing else, start throwing plates and utensils all over. Let them break. Scream. Remember that noise is the greatest enemy of a molester. He does not want to be caught.

3) Taking an Auto or Taxi at Night.

Experts Say: Before getting into an auto at night, note down its registration number. Then use the mobile to call your family or friend and pass on the details to them in the language the driver understands. Even if no one answers your call, pretend you are in a conversation. The driver now knows someone has his details and he will be in serious trouble if anything goes wrong. He is now bound to take you home safe and sound. A potential attacker is now your de facto protector!

4) What if the driver turns into a street he is not supposed to - and you feel you are entering a danger zone?

Experts Say: Use the handle of your purse or your stole (dupatta) to wrap around his neck and pull him back. Within seconds, he will feel choked and helpless. In case you don’t have a purse or stole just pull him back by his collar. The top button of his shirt would then do the same trick.

5) If you are stalked at night.

Expert Say: enter a shop or a house and explain your predicament. If it is night and shops are not open, go inside an ATM box. ATM centers always have security guards. They are also monitored by close circuit television.

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Football Karma: Spain Beat Nigeria 3-0 & Brazil Beat Spain 3-0 FIFA Confederation Cup 2013

The classic match of the year yet Brazil vs Spain came to an incredible end last night. At first I was rooting for Spain to beat Brazil in the just concluded FIFA Confederation Cup but then I remembered what they did to my beloved country Nigeria. Spain beat Nigeria 3-0, that moment I switched sides to the other football giant country Brazil to beat Spain. I never knew it will work like charm LOL.

I just turned on my television and 30+ seconds after the goal came. I was confused. Is this the current Spain vs Brazil FIFA Confederation football match or is it just a highlight of an old football match? Once I confirmed it was a live football match, I glued my eyes to the television. Spain is supposed to be a giant football country but the way Brazil terrorized their goal post looked like Nigeria vs Tahiti to me. Or maybe I’m just being to mean on Spain.

Spain ditched the fair-play sportsmanship at various occasions and they bagged 2 yellow cards and 1 red card for their rough play.

So when the goals kept crashing the Spanish goal post like a toddler learning to count 1,2,3 I was delirious. Call it FIFA Confederation football karma. Spain beat Nigeria 3-0 and Brazil beat Spain 3-0, what goes around comes around!! Here the usual parlance here is, “The God Football Was Against Spain” Spain looked frustrated. It was unbelievable. I enjoyed the football match though. At the end of the day the best football team won. You win some and you lose some. Better luck next time Spain.

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