An Ode To Debbie, My Amazing Romantic Crush

I eloped with nostalgia down memory lane recently and one of the ancient site we visited was New Haven Primary School 1 Enugu. Something about a crush made this place stand out historically.

If I were to make a list of my childhood crushes, the list will be a little longer than Mississippi river. It was that big but the name will remain the same. A name I’ve closely used once ever since. The name is Deborah.

The list would've looked like this

Deborah....

Deborah....

Deborah....

Deborah....

Deborah....

Forgive me Debbie for not remembering your last name. Maybe I was busy feeding my fantasy off her exotic body frame to remember her last name. My fantasy had the appetite of an insatiable voracious black hole swallowing any and everything on its path. She was my romantic crush, crush of all crushes. My favourite past time was to daydream about her.

The fantasy thingy was like second creation for my kiddo brain. Thoughts of her consumed me in a manner parallel to a cow grazing the entire non ocean parts of earth to point of desertification. You can imagine the weight I carried. The never ending long wait I married, such a romantic crushing weight. The wedlock of me and waiting-in-vain was a disaster. I never had enough courage to express myself so I waited like a fowl waiting to grow teeth. I'm sure it would've been an amazing romance had Venus and Cupid not been on vacation.

Debbie was my classmate in primary 4 in New Haven Primary School 1 Enugu. I fell for her the second my brain processed her image. The terrain of my heart was emotionally wet and slippery, little wonder why I fell head over heels for her. She lacked the height of the hills but she stood tall like a mountain. Her romantic aura intimidated me, I was an overflowing shyness fountain. Gawd! I was such a shy machine.

She was Brilliant, 1st position in class. I couldn’t grab that position till we moved to different classes. She was Black. She was Bold. She was BEAUTIFUL! She had a sensuous thick lips and a killer smile. Her sculptor fitted her with exceptionally cute dimples that lights up her smile causing my body ACs to malfunction. Her sweetness was my weakness. How can a piece of iron filing like me stand the strong romnantic attraction of a giant magnet like Deborah? How was I supposed to repel that romantic attraction? I was both the predator and perfect prey.

God took a rib from Adam to make Eve, I think he took my entire skeletal system to make Debbie. I was totally caught and crushed up in the rapture of love. Funny how much I loved Anita Baker then though my primary 4 mind never grasped the mature romantic meaning/message of her lyrics. I often tail Debbie home like some invisible CIA agent, shit it was crazy. I did more than a knight in shining amour slaying dragons and ferocious beasts to rescue a damsel trapped in tower like most romantic fairy tale stories.

In a similar case one girl tripped helplessly for me. I wasn’t man enough to show or tell Debbie how I felt but this other girl was boy enough to at least show me her innermost feelings. Unfortunately she had a twin sister and they were perfectly and identically identical. You can’t tell them apart even if they were your own right and left hand. Besides my feeling at that time was faithfully and naturally custom-made for Debbie technically other girls just didn’t exist. Kinda like the early days of Clark and Lana of Smallville.

It’s curiously amazing how this portion of my memory has remained very vivid all these years. It comes in colourful HDTV production quality while the rest is in blurry black and white. I’m just wondering what became of her, who she grew up to be. What and where she is now. I don’t feel like that anymore but I won’t mind meeting her once again. Have you seen her? Tell me have you seen her. If you see her, tell her to give me a call. My number is 1-800-childhood crush.

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Life Under New Management Tuesday May 28 2013

We have not had light for like three days now. I wonder what the problem is. They flashed it briefly last night. I don’t know what to wear today cuz all my clothes are not ironed. Heaven heard my heart and voila, there was light. I quickly ironed a shirt. I read my devotional open heavens. Today's topic was unusual Command. The memory verse was Matthew 4:4 which says;

''And He answered saying man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.''

I finished study and prayed. I cleaned my room. Did the dishes. Prepared noodles with hotdog, by this time the minute hand has gone a few minutes past nine. I hurried ate it while it was still hot. My dear mouth and its entire inhabitant please me forgive for putting you through this torment. I showered hurriedly also. I got to work a few minutes before ten. A Jay Z’s song I just heard triggered me to drop four sweet lines. The lines are below;

''My Life Is Under New management

I’m Reviewing all Engagement

Old me Just Got Fired

Better Me Just Got Hired''

On my way to work Elsie said she has a gist for me. She narrated to me in detail via series of text messages a tale of monstrous lust, brainlessness, shameless boldness, zero dignity, and unending struggle of how her auntie’s husband tried to force her to kiss him. I wonder what else he tried to force her to do. According to her, her auntie went to school earlier than usual. She was in the kitchen doing the dishes and the kids were at the dinning eating. That was split chance was when the sexual adulatory predator chose to strike. He came to her in the kitchen and forced her to kiss him. She refused and he began to struggle with her. In the struggle of what seemed like near rape ensued plates and cups were broken in the kitchen.

I’m handicapped to paint a vivid picture of what happened since my eyes weren’t there on the crime scene. After enough plates and cups were broken he regained his consciousness and gave the Elsie N20,000 to quickly replace all broken kitchenware so that the wife won’t know. Also before he left the house he asked if there’s anything he can buy for her. She hasn’t slept over at her auntie’s place before but she visits regularly. She didn’t know he had interest in her. This is all according to her. I advised her the best way I can letting her know that this is just the beginning. He will keep coming back until he gets what he wants, there’s a fall out or he gets caught. She has to leave that rape arena for another place.

Since their school is on strike she can come home to her family. There's this small ball in our office about the size of an adult palm closed to form a ball. We used to have a smaller ball and a basketball rim for kids. Me and Ifeanyi used to go head to head for superiority of basketball skills lol. Office redesign and renovation relocated the rim to bad corner so we now use the waste paper basket. The first time we did it he beat me 6-1 after uncountable times lol. That was on Monday. Today I whooped him. He couldn't believe his eyes at throws I was making. I couldn't believe myself either lol. Kobe can’t stand me, I’m on fire!

I went to Access Bank by Chevron roundabout to cash a cheque. Smack in the middle of processing my cheque, the power went off. I had to use my phone torch to light up the cashier's keyboard so she could see. The rain was feeling very generous it started showering. I’m not sure it has ever rained this heavy this year. Thanks to the bank, they were so efficient in reverse mode as they delayed the customers. Everybody was grumbling. The rain didn't care, was it supposed to? It kept pouring, showering, the road got flooded. Luckily I got served at the bank after wasting my time. But all through the time embezzling period, I remained absolutely calm. What will I achieve by panicking?

One of bank's securities escorted me with an umbrella to the car. At the other Access Bank branch beside Four Point Hotel, they always escort me out of the car to the bank or out of the bank to car to shield me from the sun today it was from the rain. I used to take it for granted but today I deeply appreciated it. We couldn’t finish the entire task we set out to do. We lost some time to inefficiencies of the bank and the traffic induced by the rain. We went back to office and shortly closed for the day.

I stopped at Igbo Efon bus stop as usual, the road was flooded. I decided to take a bike. But the greedy bike riders took unnecessary advantage of the flood to inhumanely hike bike fares by up to 200% I had no choice but pay and went home. I went to bed straight.

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A Million Bucks Look Monday May 27 2013

Today is World Children’s Day. Thank God for today. I performed my morning ritual. I put up a Facebook update saying;

Today Is Children's Day, I Thank God For All The Children In The World. May God Continue To Protect Them From Evil, Give Them Good Health And Long Life, Feed Them, Nurture Them Into Great People, Etc. And May God Give Children To The Barren In Jesus Name!!!

I put up more nostalgic updates remembering the cartoons I watched back then as a kid. Cartoons like Superted, Voltron, Danger Mouse, Tom & Jerry, etc. I asked my friends to add theirs. Enque named so many that I forgot or didn’t watch. I got to office on time even though I was the last person to come. Ugo came first followed by Ifeanyi then me. But we all came before 9:00 am. Ugo was like for coming to work early, he will buy us all breakfast from Four Point Hotel. That sounded very exciting.

First he wrote me a cheque to cash to cover the expense and other miscellaneous. One thing led to another and he ended up not buying me breakfast but bought for Ifeanyi. Yeah he does that a lot. We dropped him and Ifeanyi at Four Point Hotel and made our way through the light traffic to America International School to take care of a minor payment for Marizu his kid. From there we proceeded to the house to sort another thing out with the wife. That was how I and the driver did our own breakfast. We picked them and went back to the office. We did another round of task outside the office. After that it was serious office work.

Once again Ugo left me out again in the scheme of things. This time it was the Uhambo team. We were preparing a preparing a presentation for investors about Uhambo and what we or Uhambo does. At the end of the presentation is the Uhambo Team listed. His reasoning was that since we have the same surname, that it will brew suspicion in the minds of the potential investors that this company is a family affair. So it’s better I work from the shadows. I didn’t bother trying to argue with him, for now you can have your way.

Did I forget to tell you I was looking like a million bucks today? And the colour was carefully and classically chosen by me. I’m no fashionista but I am so guilty if you accuse of being one today. I and Myself are really envious of people whose attention and eyes have gotten glued to Me. I wore a dark greenish brown check shirt, it has two exotic shades of the colour, excellently fitted like a bespoke shirt. A green Khaki Chinos trouser, signifying greener pasture, going green for Mother Nature, I got a lot green in my pocket and could make one go green with envy, brown belt and shoes, the coordination impeccable, the tire is in-between dark carton colour and a tinge of green, a notorious attention grabber but still blends smoothly like a chameleon and I wrapped it up nicely with a velvet black two button jacket with 007 awesome aura and confidence oozing out.

As I stepped into the office, the WOW effect was visibly overwhelming that Ifeanyi couldn't suppress the exclamation that forced its way out of his mouth seeking expression. Ugo had no choice but to succumb to the paralyzing effect of my classiness too. LOL. Yeah I looked good like that. He blurted out his excitement without reservation then asked me wittily ''Are you looking for a raise?'' I know during orgasm people say some crazy shit out of pressurized pleasure and satisfaction whirling through their system. I can understand where that question came from lol.

Chris came around in the evening in his usual casual sportswear and shorts. He only wears suit or any corporate wear when he has a business meeting. A few minutes later we were done for the day. I left Ugo with Chris as they were deeply engrossed in the discussion. As I got to Lekki roundabout, my spirit ministered to me to check on Caesar’s whereabouts. He said he was at Lekki roundabout, what do you know! I told him that’s where I am too. He picked me up, it beats a dozen times the hassle of public transport. It’s good to pay attention to your instincts, they are never wrong we just read them wrong.

We went to Spar cuz he wanted to pick a few things. I picked a hotdog. After the brief shopping we went straight home. On our way home he told me some personal relationship issues that really find annoying. Everybody got some form of demon or the other they face in their life. Some battle can only be fought by the person directly involved. I wish him luck. This is crucial decision point in life.

As I reached my door I could tell someone has been inside. I got in and saw some more telltale signs. Then I saw a small portion of soup in one of the pots. Garri was already made. I had already zeroed my mind on the chiki-chiki noodle with Frankfurt hot dog I was going to eat this night. I saw a note on the table addressed to me telling me to warm the soup if I don’t wanna eat it. I ate it, warmed the hotdog since there was no light and went to bed.

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Time Out With Pastor/Swimming Sunday May 26 2013

It rained last night. And I slept so well. I almost overslept. Today is Time Out with the pastor. I went to church on time. I didn't put on a tire. Me and one other guy, Idara, was sent out of the class to get a tire from anyone. I just went straight home for a tire. I don't like throwing a tire into the mix, when I wear different coloured trouser and jacket. I did it for the first time. Pastor admonished us. It was meant to strengthen our resolve in this path we have chosen. He hit the ‘head on the nail’ like I always say.

The service somewhat started on a dull note for me. For some strange reason I didn't quite feel the service today. I just don’t know what happened. We had workers meeting after service to conclude on logistics regarding our graduation on 29 May. There was also men's meeting after service but I didn't wait to join the meeting. I went to Caesar's immediately I got home, we are going swimming today, it's like a culture now. Tony and KY are friends of Caesar and now my friends came around. We ate boiled maize, it was very good. Next Blessing served us sweet potato chips. After, she brought boiled groundnut. It’s all good. That's about what I have eaten for the day.

We left the house eventually to pick up Ruth and Ese. Folake won't be joining us today, she's busy at work with Jumia. Now Caesar has been trying to match-make Ruth and Tony but no luck. Ruth has never seen anything good about Tony, she doesn't like him. Tony and KY were in another car Caesar's plan was to ambush Ruth with Tony's sudden presence at the pool. I figured Ruth won't find it funny. I sent Caesar Whatsapp message about my concerns but dude didn’t do anything about it.

KY and Tony were in separate car and parked in the front waiting for us. By the time we came out and for some reason Caesar had to communicate with KY and Tony and then Ruth saw Tony. She flipped on Caesar big time. Caesar tried to deny but there was no plausible deniability for him. He has a long history of trying to literally marry Ruth and Tony together. Ruth sees his matchmaking attempt as an act that borders on criminality. The brawl raged for a while till she calmed down and accepted the fact that Tony was going to see her sexy laps lol.

We got to the pool in really high spirits. We had our own drinks alcohol and cranberry juice. I changed immediately and jumped into the pool with excitement cuz I wanted to try out a new floating technique I read about on the internet. It was the act of floating on water without moving a muscle. Water got into my nose a couple times. I tried some more still same result. But I have this feeling like if I really practice hard I can do it. At my age, one is not so adventurous in some quarters. If it were kid me, I know I will never stop trying to master this floating technique. A little later the rest joined me. The rest were Ruth, Blessing, Ese and Austin. KY and Tony weren’t going to swim.

The pool was relatively had a lot of people, even kids were showing their skills making the grown-ups who can’t swim like Ruth and Ese green with envy lol. To add salt to injury, the smallest of the kids, a very small girl started teaching Ese how to swim. It was a funny sight. The little girl was commanding boldly with a serious-business attitude like her swimming instructor and Ese would just try her best to obey her trainer to the later. She might’ve punished Ese for failing woefully if care wasn’t taken lol. It was some memorable spectacle that should’ve been recorded for future reference lol. Kids are such thing of joy! Caesar’s attention was divided between being in the pool swimming and being out of the pool chatting with KY and Tony. The gist centered mostly on the chicks in the pool.

Then I saw a nasty mucus floating on the water, oh God. That really messed up rhythm. I stayed out of the pool for a long even after the management has taken care of it. I didn’t swim much again. Ruth was really busy learning from the trainer in the pool. We went home earlier than the last time.

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Total Plan System Failure Saturday May 25 2013

Today is a lot of things. It's the monthly sanitation day which is the last Saturday of every month in Nigeria. The plumber is coming to fix my toilet today. Blessing (not Caesar’s girlfriend) said she will come to Lekki area today not my place. And we, the workers under training have time out with the Pastor today by 4:00pm. How do I handle all this? In deed none them is under my control. I read my Open Heavens and prayed. I did the dishes. I called the plumber, it was him who reminded me today's environmental sanitation.

During environmental sanitation no movement is allowed. Everybody should be cleaning their environments. Most people need to be prompted before they can sanitize their environment. It's a grave offence if you are doing otherwise. All shops remain closed and the road is usually empty. It ends by 10:00am.

I started reading a book by Dam Millman titled “The Four Purposes Of Life” It is a good read. It's been lying around for so long. I would've read the book dozens of time supposing I put my will to work. After a few pages I stepped out to the cyber cafe, it was past 10:00am so environmental sanitation has ended. I called the plumber again and he was still at home. And he expects me to believe that he will still make it today. I called Blessing, she was at the shop and also told me she will still come to Lekki in the evening.

The cyber cafe was a total waste of time and money. Can you imagine sending email in the Stone Age era, don’t bother it's not rewarding. I abandoned the computer and browsed on my phone instead. It's just that I can't post to the blog from my phone and I need to Google most of the post pictures. I purposely wasted my browsing voucher so that I won't have any reason to come back here.

I went home, bought bread and sprite on the way. That happened to be my breakfast and lunch. I had a good sleep till around 1:00pm. I got a text from my church around 1:23pm, the time out with pastor has been postponed till 7:00am tomorrow. All the items on my calendar are just taking care of themselves in a no-show way. I picked my book again, at least it won’t tell me not to read it.

Frank called. He is the kind of guy that only calls or visits me when he need a favour. He said he was in the neighbourhood and wanted to say hi, by the way did I cook anything. I said no. He came anyway we talked and I ended up giving him my old laptop. I wanted to give it out anyway. It has a screen and battery problem which I let him know. He was happy, he didn't mind the issues cuz he was convinced he can fix it at computer village Ikeja. If I’m to be frankly frank, Frank is not the kinda guy I’ll normally give something of that value to just like that. He is the type of guy that will never know you when he is enjoying, you won’t even know such time. HE ONLY COMES TO MY HOUSE WHEN THERE’S A HELP I CAN GIVE HIM, PERIOD! I guess the spirit moved me to give it to him anyway just to pay evil with good.

We left together, I needed to collect a particular folder from the hard drive and then format the hard drive. The hard drive refused to work I couldn't retrieve the folder nor format it. Looks like everything that's supposed to happen today don't want to happen.

I planned to go buy new shoe today if not for everything that was lined up. Let me check, what did I accomplish today out of all things I lined up for today, NONE! It was a total calendar collapse. Total system failure. Not my fault though. It all didn't work out cuz it wasn't meant to come to pass.

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Observe In Silence, Action Tells All! Friday May 24 2013

The day started pretty fast and ended the same. Thank God I’m Favoured, its TGIF. I read my Open Heavens and prayed then left for work. At work I did a few out of office runs to the bank and other places. Some really took my time. 

I put up a Facebook status – Observe In Silence, Action Tells All! Few minutes later Ibe put his own, a reply to mine. Here’s what he wrote;

“THOT YOU SAID YOU WERE INEXPERIENCED??ACTION??? I PRAY DONT WATCH YOUR OWN FAMILY DIE IN YOU SO CALLED SILENCE! NOW THAT WONT BE HEROIC,WOULD IT”

Again what the heck is he talking about ‘inexperienced’ Is it one of his many made up phantom enemies? Whatever keeps the dude happy mehn. Just like Chazz & Jimmy on the song ‘Niggas In Paris’ by Jay Z and Kanye West that goes;

Jimmy: I don’t even know what that means

Chazz:   No one knows what it means but its provocative

Jimmy: No it’s not, it’s gross

Chazz:   It gets the people going!

M na-chufu nkita na nshi, owu mua ga-eri ya? Why should I chase a dog away from eating shit, am I the one going to eat the shit? I do my Facebook updates as the spirit moves not because I’m passing a subliminal message to him. I see or feel what I like I post it.

TGIF took place for the first time in our office. We left office around 3:00pm and went to The Pavilion in Lekki Phase 1. That is, me, Ugo and Ifeanyi. We had catfish pepper soup and three rounds of beer. Uncensored conversation ensued if you know what I mean. Fidelis joined us towards the end of our hangout. I'm not much of a cat fish pepper soup guy. Besides it wasn’t that great by my standard. They could've added utazi leaf for a spicier taste. After my three bottles of gulder lager beer I went over to the sea shore to look at coast line horizon. It was beautiful to me. I took some pictures. Actually this was my first time of taking three bottles of beer at a short seating. Not that I can’t hold the liquor but I always avoided it. I don’t derive any pleasure in drinking myself to stupor. Ifeanyi was like for a first timer at drinking three bottles at a go you did it like a pro. I am tipsy.

We all left at the same time. I stopped briefly to say hi to Doc. I went home some minutes past five o'clock. I noticed someone was in my room. I checked the kitchen, there was a half pot of rice on the stove. I drank water and slept off. My sleep was rudely cut short by the notorious sound of someone fiddling with the door lock again. It felt so dreamy in my half-awake half asleep state until I fully regained consciousness. The fiddling continued. Is it that the person doesn't know it is locked from inside or what? Can't the fiddler knock? Does the fiddler really want to damage the lock trying to force it open? Again what if I was enjoying myself with girl, the person will just barge in? I mean common sense is uncommon to these people. I got up still sleepy. Opened the door and went back to the bed.

 

I saw only Amara when I opened the door. Moments later I heard Ibe’s voice. Don’t know when he entered. I see. I'm guessing they didn't think I'll be home by this time. They sneak in and out when they think I'm not home. I knew that Amara knew where Ibe was, I mean it's no brainer. You know for a guy that sent me that brainless text, spews trash on Facebook, he is really shameless to still come back to make use of my apartment. He has succeeded through his actions in poisoning my mind with considerable disdain for him. His actions silhouetted on light of morals. He showered. Don't know what his wife did and he noisily scolded her instantly. That mad noise shattered the revered serenity of my sanctuary. They cleared the rice in the kitchen disappeared into the night darkness to wherever they've been camping.

A call from Nkemakolam cleared the sleep from my eyes and the confusion from my head. I thought it was morning of the next day, I didn't know Friday was not gone yet. We talked about a couple stuff. Sleep didn't come easy again the rest of the night, I managed to sleep anyway.

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No Complain Day Thursday May 23 2013

I declared today no complain day. I don’t want to complain about anything today. I'm gonna try. Humans complain a lot inadvertently. I woke up on time. Feeling good. Feeling like I need more sleep. I read my Open Heavens and prayed. I thought about where Ibe could've gone to. Not that it bothered me but hey just a thought. He crossed the line when that stupid text of his left his phone bound for mine. It's like a bullet, you can't stop it once it's fired and the damage can be very damaging. Also I pondered about where his wife sleeps, is she still doing her Saladmaster business? I’m going to change my locks. But I will let them know first. They are not gonna know what the key looks like. I locked the door from inside which I now do unlike before. I wonder how the Saladmaster thingy is going.

 I went for a shower around 9:00am. As I just started I heard someone fiddling with the door trying to open it. Obviously the person knew it was locked from inside but the person kept forcing the door to open. The person I guess called my phone several times. I couldn't pick in my foamy lathery shower state. The person didn't even knock just kept forcing the door to open. What if I locked it cuz I was having an adult rated quality time with a woman? So whoever the person was will just barge in? I asked who it was and no response was the answer. I said I'm bathing so wait a little while. No change to the intensity of fiddling sound as if someone is noisily picking the lock. I hurried a bit in the bathroom.

When I opened the door I saw no one. I saw some items on the ground telling me who it was. Moments later Amarachi came up, she had a small scissors and other tools apparently to take the lock apart. Seriously?! So she wants to take the lock apart and probably leave the fixing part to me. It’s no complain day by the way, am I complaining? I’m glad they have a place they are staying now even if it’s the riskiest dirtiest darkest parts under Obalende Bridge. I dressed up and left for work.

Ifeanyi was already there, Ugo wasn't. Ify has been absent this week. I got him updated on events in the office. We had a little basketball competition. We had this small ball in the office so we took turns trying to throw it inside a waste paper basket at other corner of the office. Yeah we should be working right lol. He demolished me. He beat me 6-1. He said he will beat me 10-1 but we stopped when MD came to work. I know we'll do it again, it’s just a matter of convenient time. We have discovered a stress relieving exercise. After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy they say. Immediately MD came in he ordered food for us, is he that starved? I went to get the food and some other stuff. I bought a lot of stuff, let’s just say I made sure I spent all the money.

Did I tell you how good I looked? I wore a nice TM Lewin pink shirt, a brown chinos trouser and a black jacket. Boy I look sweet if I can so myself. If I were you I will fall for me now lol. A weird fashion coincidence occurred. Ifeanyi wore a pink polo shirt and brown chinos trouser exactly like me. The driver also wore similar colour shirt and chinos. What sorta uniform is this? It's like we planned it. The only difference is my black jacket. I finished my shopping, time to head back to the office. The car refused to start. Are you kidding me? When I'm looking classy like that, this car wants to fall my hand like we say here. I can’t complain, it’s no complain day lol.

I told my boss the situation and he asked me to take public transport back while he sends a mechanic to fix the car. I went back to the office. We had our meal, it was good. Shortly the mechanic arrived to the office with faulty car, he has fixed it. He advised the car be serviced immediately to avoid a recurrence of fault in a more damaging scale. When I got home Amara was there cooking rice and stew. She asked if I want some. I said yes. She left for me in the pot and took rest and left. I ate and went to bed.

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